Amelia Lichtenberg 7/26/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 7/26/21

An Introduction to Radical Transparency

RT is a dedicated practice where we allow those in connection with us more insight into our present moment experience. This can mean a beloved, friend, or family member. This can also mean a business colleague or a stranger we have a momentary interaction with. Most importantly, this also means connection with oneself.

For me Radical Transparency (RT) is a core value. It’s so important that I have it as a key facet in my definition of Relationship Anarchy, and it is one of the first things I address with my clients.

When I talk about Radical Transparency I am typically faced with a few prominent questions, mainly:

· What is the difference between RT and just being transparent?

· Doesn’t RT lead to over-sharing? How do you maintain boundaries at the same time?

· What’s the point if no one else is being radically transparent with me, but I am with them?

· Being honest about something ended up with me being hurt in the end, why would I do that again?

All of these are important questions, and this week’s writing addresses all these points.

What is Radical Transparency?

Radical Transparency refers to the practice of openly sharing what is alive for us within any given moment. This practice allows us and our beloveds to know where our/their intentions are and helps foster deeper levels of understanding. - Emily’s definition

What makes this practice radical as opposed to just “being transparent” is that there is a constant engagement with the act of transparency. It’s not just about being honest but about being honest with intention.

For me, practicing RT is a conscious choice. While I tend to be a rather transparent person by nature, I still have moments where my instinct is to hide a facet of my present experience from whomever I am engaging with. This may be hiding a moment of depression from a beloved or being quiet about a personal struggle during a client’s session. Sometimes there is a valid reason for withholding sharing with another, however, I find that how I’m addressing the experience within myself is where the difference really lies.

I understand the idea of “being transparent” as typically referring to how one interacts with the external world, meaning that being transparent refers to how we interact with others. RT, however, emphasizes transparency in all connections in all moments – that means in moments within ourselves as well.

Radical Transparency is not the same as oversharing

RT doesn’t necessarily imply that we are encouraged to overshare our experiences with others, nor does it mean crossing ours or others boundaries within sharing for the sake of “being transparent.”

I will use the example above regarding times when I am struggling with a personal issue during a session with a client to showcase this. As one might anticipate, it would be a boundary violation of the consultant/client relationship for me to openly share my woes during the session. I have a duty to be present with and for my client during our time together.

When something in my personal life is so alive for me that I feel its presence in my sessions, I take note of it within myself. A few minutes before a session begins, I will sit with the aliveness and be radically transparent with myself about my current state of being. RT in this instance is honoring my current state of being, while also being mindful of what boundaries are in place for the coming interaction. I allow myself space in this reflection to assess and decide what I need to successfully transition into the session, and I go from there. Taking this time with myself allows me to show up for my client in the fullest capacity that I may.

Often my clients bring a similar concern or situation from their own life into session and act as a mirror to my own story. I am typically able to see or pick up on patterns and thoughts both in them (and myself) that I might not have caught otherwise. Without directly expressing to them that I have a resonating experience, I can lead the conversation with this in heart. This usually lends itself to a very productive session for both parties.

I consider this a form of RT because I am intentionally not hiding anything about my present experience from the client, but I am also not directly sharing what I am experiencing with words. I am using my experience to inform how I connect with them and stay present with their experience, which makes the moment our experience.

When a client asks me if I’ve experienced the conflict they are discussing, I answer with a more direct type of RT. I will say whether I have or haven’t experienced that conflict, and if they ask for insight into how I navigated it, I will share what insight I believe will be most helpful for them. I can share “yes, this was hard for me, too, and here is how I navigated that,” without oversharing the details of those long, painful nights in between Point A and Point B.

Please note that I am not a licensed therapist and my consulting practice does not adhere to the same boundaries as a licensed psychotherapist. My future therapeutic practice will, however, reflect those boundaries.

I make it a point to iterate to my clients that I believe inner work is a lifelong practice, and that my own journey is ongoing. This allows for interactions to become human-to-human, rather than just consultant-to-client. Boundaries are still in place, but the perceived power dynamic within the interaction is lessened.

Maintaining boundaries while practicing RT

It can be easy to perceive RT as a means for pushing boundaries (this includes oversharing). I want to iterate that truly embodying RT includes a wholehearted understanding and acceptance of our and others’ boundaries.

Part of being radically transparent with oneself includes knowing our boundaries. For me, I can overshare sometimes because of my deeply ingrained people-pleasing trauma responses. The wounded child within me feels the need to explain myself constantly. In being radically transparent with myself about the source of this behavior and with how much information I really want to share, I was able to discover where my sharing boundary is.

With my sharing boundary firmly in my mind and heart, I set out to learn new ways to share my experiences with others that feel authentic to my needs as well. Often I find that the best way to practice RT and maintain my boundary is to accurately name my experience and my intention for sharing. For me this looks like: “I’m experiencing/feeling _____, and I would rather not talk about it. I’m just letting you know, so that you can know where I’m at right now.”

RT does not mean we have to share all of the details of our inner world with another, but it does mean that we dedicate intention to naming our experiences in a moment to those around us to avoid potential miscommunication, and to foster deeper understanding.

Being radically transparent in a non-transparent world

Sometimes I find it disheartening how many people struggle with honesty and transparency in our society. Through my experiences with friends, lovers, and colleagues, I’ve come to the conclusion that these struggles come from a mixture of poor communication skills and a lack of RT practice within the self. This may not be true of everyone, but it helps me lean into deeper compassion in moments where my RT practice is not reciprocated.

I truly believe that the only way to foster more connection based in RT is to be the initiator. How can others discover the true freedom in Radical Transparency if they don’t experience it firsthand? A core part of my practice as a Relationship Anarchist is acknowledging that I have no control over the people in my life. That includes their abilities to meet me in radically transparent spaces.

I find that when being radically transparent with another it can be easy to see when it’s not being reciprocated. I combat this discord with more Radical Transparency. I kindly and compassionately name my experience, and I inquire with genuine curiosity about their perspective. In the event that this does not foster mutual RT, I kindly and transparently assert my boundary and shift in desire.

Sometimes people may come off as not being transparent when they believe they are. There are plenty of potential explanations for this, but the important thing to remember is that if something within a connection doesn’t feel right to you, then it is your duty to be transparent about that experience, rather than attempt to change the other to your liking.

When being radically transparent creates conflict

The final question I receive about RT often revolves around the fear of conflict. As a peacekeeper, I empathize greatly with conflict aversion, however, sometimes conflict is necessary.

I find that practicing RT evades more serious conflicts because you give opportunity to air grievances and discover conflicting desires before they have time to fester. For example, when exploring relationship dynamics with a new beloved, I much prefer to find out early if we are compatible than months down the road. By being radically transparent about feelings and desires right off the bat, it saves me time and energy addressing these things immediately.

In my experiences, having these conversations earlier on also tends to save meaningful relationships – if we can have a transparent dialogue early on and both parties feel seen, heard, and respected afterward, then we now have a stronger foundation for which to build whatever relationship we want. When I am not able to have these transparent dialogues or feel seen/heard after an attempt at RT with someone, I kindly and compassionately move on.

I would also like to say that just because RT makes a moment of conflict easier to navigate, does not mean that the conflict will not hurt. Hurt feelings are extremely valid, and it can be very disappointing to discover the end of a connection due to a transparent conversation. While the hurt can be present and valid, the “ripping of the Band-Aid” tends to be less painful (for less time) than a prolonged betrayal of oneself for the sake of conflict avoidance, and that is why I find practicing RT so valuable.

It’s important to remember that we are only in control of our actions and that the reactions of another person are not a reflection of us. People in our lives are not obligated to accept our truths as theirs, just as we are not obligated to accept others’ truths that don’t resonate with us. Conflict is a natural part of life, but I have found that navigating such spaces with Radical Transparency can ease these moments and foster deeper understanding and compassionate, human-to-human communication.

— written by Emily Lichtenberg

Amelia Lichtenberg 7/12/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 7/12/21

Compersion as a Practice

Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.

All resources and studies referred to in this piece are located at the bottom of the page!

Due to my deep desire to enjoy my personal emotional landscape, to understand why I struggle in the areas I do, and to attempt to uncover the mysteries of my own struggles with jealousy and compersion, I began diving into my own research and self-exploration of this topic. I studied the Evolutionary Psychology (EP) definition of jealousy, and I researched the proposed functions of jealousy based on EP studies conducted over the last several decades. I explored how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) intersect the EP perspectives I read. I recognized that compersion was not necessarily difficult for me, but that the initial mixture of fear, anxiety, and “preparation for loss,” that I labeled as “jealousy,” was actually related to my post-trauma responses and was a symptom and expression of my own C-PTSD.

This revelation allowed me to view compersion with a wider lens. I do not believe that compersion is an “either/or” orientation with jealousy on the other side, but rather that compersion is an ongoing practice which can both assist in navigating alternative relationship structures and perspectives and help a person navigate their own inner/trauma healing journey.

So, how does one get from jealousy-flaring, deep trauma response patterns to joyfully compersionate? Well, there is not one set path, nor is there a “finish line,” to inner-growth and -healing, but there is a formula I found to be helpful along the way. First, it starts with understanding jealousy and a specific trauma response called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and how they interact. Only after we can understand or identify what we want to heal can we begin the mending process. That is where coming to view compersion as a practice instead of an emotional orientation becomes imperative.

The Evolutionary Functions of Jealousy:

During my reading I learned that jealousy serves as a survival emotion to maintain security within our important relationships. There is a distinct difference between jealousy and envy: envy tends to motivate a person toward acquiring what they are envious of for themselves. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:

Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are envious that they are enjoying their new relationship because you also want a fun, new romance. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to refine your dating app profiles and spend more time looking for a new lover for yourself.

The focus here is on that which is perceived to be lacking. With jealousy, however, the focus tends to be on the perception of access to a person, object, or idea (such as a relationship dynamic), and the response tends toward taking what is desired away from something or someone else. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:

Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are jealous because you believe they are more interested in the new relationship than in yours. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to change your behavior, change the relationship “rules,” or act in a way which pushes or manipulates your beloved to re-emphasizing your relationship.

See the difference?

I believe that what separates those who seem to be naturally inclined toward compersion from those of us who suffer from the visceral pangs of jealousy comes from a mindset difference, meaning that those who are naturally inclined toward compersion naturally have a different way of integrating the physiological trigger into how they respond.

Using Jealousy Triggers in a Healthy Way

While jealousy can be an undesired feeling, there is a healthy way to use and navigate through jealousy! I find it helpful to remember that our emotions can be used as tools to gain deeper insight into what is going on within us and within our existing relationships. Monitoring one’s jealousy triggers and reactions can be used to gauge unmet needs in oneself and one’s relationship dynamics. When these unmet needs are recognized they can be transparently communicated to a beloved.

In my experience, jealousy tends toward hardship when these unmet needs go unrecognized and uncommunicated. As with the example above, it seems the jealous party in this dynamic has an unmet need for connection or a specific type of affection. They choose to operate out of the survival instinct to “grab on” in a way which they believe will allow their need to become fulfilled. This choice can create resentment and lead to more distance in the relationship, whereas transparently communicating something along the lines of: “I feel like I am missing [unmet need], and I would like to know if we can talk about this,” allows the other person room into the conversation so that both parties can work together to meet each others’ needs in an authentic way.

A great communication structure that can help facilitate these kinds of hard conversations is Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

While Radical Transparency is a simple practice, that does not mean it is inherently easy for everyone. In a world where more people are removed from in-person social interactions, people struggle to learn and cultivate healthy communication practices. This becomes more salient when amplified feelings and survival responses are activated.

Detangling Jealousy from a Trauma-Informed Lens

Consider your own psychosomatic experiences of jealousy. For me, my chest tightens, my heartbeat elevates, my breathing becomes labored. These are all symptoms of my fight/flight/freeze response as well. My physical responses to shifts in social dynamics with beloveds can actually induce a panic attack-like state in me.

Due to my own history of social-based C-PTSD and through my own inner work both as a psychology student and in my personal therapy practice, I learned that I suffer from a condition called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and that this distorts how I view certain moments in my relationships with others. Essentially, this means that I am hyper-sensitive to potential rejection triggers from people around me, and I often times misperceive shifts in my relationship landscapes as rejection.

In my experience, RSD presents itself as a survival strategy which emerges specifically in response due to trauma inflicted by others. I believe that often times emotional responses which are perceived as jealousy are actually moments of RSD activation. I genuinely want my beloveds to feel supported in their explorations of other connections, but I also want to make sure that I will not be abandoned in the process.

This fear and anticipation of abandonment is where my own C-PTSD and RSD intersect.

Using Compersion as a Framework for Self-Regulation

For me, RSD is prevalent in my non-monogamous relationships because of the continued potential rejection triggers that my beloved’s other beloveds can present for me. I notice this tends to be an especially sensitive area within non-hierarchical philosophies like Relationship Anarchy (RA) because of the emphasis on personal freedom, flexible arrangements, and the acknowledgement that change is inevitable.

For me the anxiety and fear of rejection and abandonment stems from a difficulty to navigate these types of changes rather than because of a desire for “exclusivity” or hierarchy with another. I firmly believe in and live by the principles of RA, however, I also recognize that the abuse and maltreatment I have experienced in the past shapes my present-day filters.

A large reason why I practice RA, and why I believe it to be beneficial for people with RSD and other psychosocial trauma filters, is that I am regularly confronted with these fears and triggers. Each time I am faced with a shift in my relationships is an opportunity for me to see where I am in my own healing process, where I need to focus my attention, and also I am able to see how my beloveds continue to show up for me in my process (this informs my own choices in moving forward with various connections).

While straightforward “exposure therapy” does not work for every person, I find that confronting my deepest fears head on helps me see the reality of their size in contrast to how big and scary they seem in my anxiety-ridden fantasies.

Experiencing RSD activation in the face of changing relationship dynamics or introductions of new metamours does not mean a person is inherently oriented toward jealousy, that they are “bad at compersion,” or that they lack the ability to be compersionate. It means that the activated person may have experienced social-based trauma and need trauma-informed navigation for these kinds of adjustments. A little extra practice in Radical Transparency can go a long way in these moments!

When I face these fears and triggers I use these as opportunities to refine my own compersion practice. This does not mean I force myself to feel or react a certain way. Rather than perceiving a trigger as something to avoid, I choose to view these moments as opportunities for deeper self-exploration. I use the idea of compersion as my framework for how I want to guide my self-growth within a moment of activation. I want to be excited for my beloved, I want to celebrate and support shared freedom and autonomy. When I feel out of alignment with my compersion framework, I take the opportunity to lean in with curiosity. It is through these instances that I am able to continuously gauge and assess where I am at in my self-regulation, how I am really doing in my trauma healing process, and discover areas within myself that still need attention and care.

For me, compersion is akin to an aspect of the Buddha-nature: all-loving, and all-accepting. Similarly to the Buddha-nature, compersion is not something I can maintain all the time. Rather than give up or claim that I am “just not wired that way,” I work to remember what being in compersion feels like, and bring myself back to that space with as much patience, grace, and self-compassion as I can.

It is the combination of my intrinsic choice to engage in a growth mindset around my personal healing and the cultivation of safe, trusting, and respectful relationships with beloveds and friends who freely choose to support my process that allows me to participate in RA in this way, and use various moments of change to explore, detangle. and integrate the sources of my own activated responses.

Check out my Guided Meditation for Contacting the Wounded Inner Child to help build healthy inner curiosity & dialogue.

I deeply wish to give those I care for the same liberation which I ask them for, and sometimes my own struggles with RSD present challenges to this genuine desire. I believe many people who suffer from RSD struggle with this same cognitive dissonance, which can become increasingly more difficult if a person is also faced with detangling societal expectations— such as mono-normative relationship structures. There can be so much shame around struggling with non-monogamous relationship structures for many reasons, and especially for people with trauma this sense of shame around intricate navigation can be very tender.

If you, the reader, are someone who struggles with RSD:

A helpful practice can be to name this to your beloved. Often times naming a feeling or experience diffuses its intensity. This can open a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust-building with your beloved, which can result in more compassionate connection and fortifying the healing aspects of your relationship container. Remember that you did not ask to experience RSD, and that your trauma and trauma responses are not your fault. They are, however, your responsibility to work through.

Remember that your beloveds are freely choosing to connect with you because they love and care for you, and they likely want to participate in supporting you along your healing journey however best they can. Radically transparent communication is imperative in times like these, from both ends. You can practice NVC as a structure to use when expressing wants and needs amidst an activated state.

If you, the reader, are someone whose beloved struggles with RSD:

I encourage you to read more about RSD (resources are at the bottom of this article) and become trauma-informed in your speech. Do not pathologize your beloved; educate yourself so that you can deepen your own compassionate communication with them. Trauma survivors struggle to remain balanced when activated, and the non-judgmental help of our beloveds can ease these moments of re-triggering.

Often the most important thing a beloved can do is be patient and accepting of whatever is coming up for the activated individual, not take the response personally, and not make assumptions about the individual’s ideologies or psycho-emotional capacities based on the moment of response. NVC is a great communication tool to use when attempting to communicate authentically with someone who is trauma-activated or when they have come back to a balanced state.

For me, compersion is akin to the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s the ideal which I strive for, and it’s the conclusion I wish all my interactions to end with. Having this goal in mind helps me take steps towards cultivating a deeper practice and greater capacity for its presence, even when I find myself struggling to engage with compersion in a particular moment.

- written by Emily Lichtenberg