I was recently reflecting on how my relationship structures have changed over time. I have gone between traditional monogamy, solo polyamory, polyamory, monogamish, and so on. There has been no specific order for these transitions, or any linear progression from one to another with a specific goal in mind. For me, it has always been about the intersection of the specific relationship, the intentions/needs/desires of all parties, and circumstances surrounding connection.
I recently discovered a term called “ambiamory,” which is defined as:
“when a person is happy in either a monogamous/monoamorous or polygamous/polyamorous relationship structure.”
Typically, ambiamorous folx* focus on one core partnership, switching between mono- and poly- dynamics respectively.
Upon further reading, I discovered a strong debate around the ethics of ambiamory. On one hand, there are those who support it as a valid structure that supports change based on life circumstances. On the other hand, some folx believe that ambiamory is unethical due to the couple privileges that can arise.
Personally, I like the term and am trying it on as an identity for my own relationship(s). I like that, just as with Relationship Anarchy, ambiamory invites an acceptance of life’s impermanent nature.
There is an entire spectrum of reasons for relationships to change, and I believe there are methods for creating an ethical ambiamorous dynamic.
Relationship Structure as a Spectrum
One of the biggest issues I have with traditional monogamy is the rigidity aspect of the commitment. I’m happy to be in a monogamous dynamic with someone in the right circumstances, but I begin to feel uncomfortable if this dynamic is expected due to relationship status or is without room for further discussion of change.
Similarly, a struggle I have experienced with some polyamorous dynamics is that I feel uncomfortable with the pressure of needing to be in multiple relationships at once. I become overstimulated when engaging in too many connections over a long period of time and often need breaks to re-center.
I find myself drawn to having one core partner and a few, more transient, close relationships. In my experience, transience does not diminish depth of a connection but invites space for breaks between times of regular interaction.
In my reading, I learned that having a consistent core partner is a theme for ambiamorous folx.
Ambiamory offers the option to incorporate a both/and perspective of mono/poly, and with the use of Radical Transparency it’s possible to create ethical ambiamorous dynamics.
Ethical Ambiamory vs. Unethical Ambiamory
In order to effectively practice ambiamory in an ethical way, it’s first important to understand how things can go wrong.
I discovered that a common issue for polyamorous folx dating ambiamorous people is when the ambi- person decides to “go mono” and abruptly ends all their non-primary relationships. This can be a heartbreaking experience for the poly- person. Think about it - have you ever been dumped out of the blue? It hurts!
Another situation that has left mono- people with a bad taste in their mouth for ambiamory is when their partner decides to “go poly” without effective communication or consent. This veers into the territory of unethical non-monogamy (“cheating”) and can be extremely painful and traumatizing.
How do we remedy these situations? With transparent communication, radical acceptance, and patience.
Radical Transparency
For any relationship structure to work healthily and ethically, these are important foundational building blocks to develop with your partner(s). Being open and upfront about your relationship patterns and intentions goes a long way in setting the stage for any future conversations about wanting to shift the relationship structure – regardless of direction!
The upfront communication aspect is especially important if you have a core partner, and you think at some point you may wish to move from a poly- dynamic to a mono- dynamic.
Even if the chance is minimal, being upfront about this with other partners ahead of time gives them the opportunity to consent to or reject that change from the beginning! Part of what Radical Transparency in Relationship Anarchy means is giving others what they need for informed consent.
Patience
Patience is important to this process because sometimes our partner(s) aren’t ready for the shift. Perhaps they need time to adjust or integrate the idea into their nervous system. Relationships are spaces of deep vulnerability and (ideally) healing, and it’s important to remember that everyone handles change differently.
Instead of making an abrupt and finalized decision that “now I’ll be monogamous and end my other relationships,” perhaps first try recognizing “I want to move toward monogamy and end my other relationships.”
Approaching the conversation this way gives the other person a chance to process and voice their thoughts and reactions, and it shows that you value them as a person affected by the shift as well.
Please note that if a shift needs to happen abruptly because of an abusive circumstance, this does not apply to that kind of situation.
Radical Acceptance
Radical Acceptance is a mindfulness technique by Tara Brach. It refers to accepting whatever the present reality is with compassion and empathy. This does not mean acquiescing to the needs or boundaries of another, thereby compromising our own. Rather, we can see and accept what is in the present moment.
This skill becomes invaluable to all relationships. I think it’s especially important in non-monogamous dynamics because there are so many moving/changing parts at any given time and misalignment happens.
In ambiamory, radical acceptance becomes important when a partner’s reaction to the discussion of change does not go as we want. Perhaps our core partner is uncomfortable with shifting into monogamy, or vice versa. Using radical acceptance to hear/see/accept where our partner is at in the process, we can turn these moments of misalignment into opportunities for collaboration.
Sometimes the transition takes more time than we’re hoping for. This has been part of my experience in my own relationship. Although I want to move back into polyamorous dating, my partner needs more time to heal from how they were triggered during my C-PTSD episode.
We agreed to maintain mirroring relationship structures during our healing time, so I am consensually remaining monogamous for the time being.
It's important to also practice radical acceptance with oneself. In my situation, I can accept that while I want to move back to polyamorous relating, I also have a lot of personal healing to do in relationships. Thus, I’m content remaining in a monogamous dynamic for the time being. I’m able to meet my partner in the middle of our desires because I can look within myself to see and accept my reality.
Conclusion
In the end, ambiamory can be a wonderful framework for those who need a more fluid type of relationship structure. Like any relationship style, it requires effective communication and a willingness to collaborate when change arises.
It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay!
I would love to hear your thoughts on ambiamory. Please feel free to discuss in the comments below.
— Written by Amelia Lichtenberg
*Read why I use the word “folx” here.
Helpful Resources:
Ambiamorous - What is it? What does it mean?
Ambiamory discussion on r/polyamory