Note: This post is a reflection of my personal thoughts and perspectives. I do not claim to be an expert on Relationship Anarchy, and I acknowledge that other folks experience RA in different and equally valid ways.
What does it mean to live freely? For me, it means being able to be my authentic self in all moments of my life. This includes when I’m at home, at work, at school, alone, with friends, etc. Through my experiences as a neurodivergent person and a person who walks a non-traditional life path, I find modern US-American society a culture which promotes inauthentic existence through materialism, ‘playing games’ in relationships, and masking. People use these tactics to avoid revealing their authentic selves, as if that’s the goal. People wonder why they’re depressed and don’t feel fulfilled in their lives.
Using relationship anarchy for self-liberation
For me, Relationship Anarchy (RA) has been a tool to learn how to deconstruct these ingrained patterns and behaviors of inauthentic connecting. By learning how to become attuned to myself, my needs & wants, and my state of mind/heart/body/soul at a given moment, I am also learning how to share that outward with those I interact with. The result is my inner self feeling more at peace because I am not masking for the first time.
RA is an ideological framework that prioritizes one’s relationship to themself first. From here, a person expands outward and builds intentional relationships with others.
This takes on a horizontal/landscape view, rather than a hierarchical/vertical one. Relationships with others can be seen as on a landscape or continuum, rather than a ladder. Ranks are replaced with contextual proximity, and static dynamics become fluid and ever-changing (just as life is!).
how it shows up for me
I let my neurodivergence shine through Radical Transparency practices, and my relationships are more aligned with my needs and wants because I integrate agreement-making practices into the structure of my relationships.
The practice of making agreements and building intentional relationships also helps me learn who in my life can fully accept me and how certain people want to show up in my life. As a lifetime recovering people-pleaser, I find this extremely valueable. Establishing these structures of relationship building not only put boundaries for others, they also provide me with self-boundaries to help me say within my authetnicity and not fall into trauma-based patterns of conformity and appeasement for the sake of maintaining connection.
Allowing others to choose how the want to show up in our dynamic, and standing my ground on where I am willing to meet them, gives me a foundation where my energy is reserved for what and who I want.
Taking competition out of the picture gives us room to be our authentic selves. Without the need to fill a societally predetermined role, impress others, or climb a social ladder, we are more able to share ourselves with others without fear of judgment.
This, of course, doesn’t mean judgment won’t enter our lives, whether self- or other-imposed, but we are less likely to base our inner conversations and inward/outward actions on these insecurities. When insecurities arise, which for me is quite often, I do my best to lean into them and and myself why this is coming up. Often times I find that my insecurities (feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, fear of being alone) are trying to tell me something. Sometimes it has to do with my relationships to others, but most of the time I can trace it back to the basics: sustainance, hydration, physical activity, and/or rest.
When our identities are not tied to an external status, we are able to examine our experience with genuine curiosity and find these deeper inner truths.
Learning to live an authentic lifestyle is a lifelong journey. New things come up, old things resurface, I forget the path and then experience something that brings me right back to it. It’s all a cycle, and there is no ‘right’ way.
Thank you for reading!
-Emily Lichtenberg