Amelia Lichtenberg 5/18/23 Amelia Lichtenberg 5/18/23

Living Freely (Thoughts on Authentic Relating)

What does it mean to live freely? For me, it means being able to be my authentic self in all moments of my life. This includes when I’m at home, at work, at school, alone, with friends, etc. Through my experiences as a neurodivergent person and a person who walks a non-traditional life path, I find modern US-American society a culture which promotes inauthentic existence through materialism, ‘playing games’ in relationships, and masking.

Note: This post is a reflection of my personal thoughts and perspectives. I do not claim to be an expert on Relationship Anarchy, and I acknowledge that other folks experience RA in different and equally valid ways.

Using relationship anarchy for self-liberation

For me, Relationship Anarchy (RA) has been a tool to learn how to deconstruct these ingrained patterns and behaviors of inauthentic connecting. By learning how to become attuned to myself, my needs & wants, and my state of mind/heart/body/soul at a given moment, I am also learning how to share that outward with those I interact with. The result is my inner self feeling more at peace because I am not masking for the first time.

RA is an ideological framework that prioritizes one’s relationship to themself first. From here, a person expands outward and builds intentional relationships with others.

This takes on a horizontal/landscape view, rather than a hierarchical/vertical one. Relationships with others can be seen as on a landscape or continuum, rather than a ladder. Ranks are replaced with contextual proximity, and static dynamics become fluid and ever-changing (just as life is!).

how it shows up for me

I let my neurodivergence shine through Radical Transparency practices, and my relationships are more aligned with my needs and wants because I integrate agreement-making practices into the structure of my relationships.

The practice of making agreements and building intentional relationships also helps me learn who in my life can fully accept me and how certain people want to show up in my life. As a lifetime recovering people-pleaser, I find this extremely valueable. Establishing these structures of relationship building not only put boundaries for others, they also provide me with self-boundaries to help me say within my authetnicity and not fall into trauma-based patterns of conformity and appeasement for the sake of maintaining connection.

Allowing others to choose how the want to show up in our dynamic, and standing my ground on where I am willing to meet them, gives me a foundation where my energy is reserved for what and who I want.

Taking competition out of the picture gives us room to be our authentic selves. Without the need to fill a societally predetermined role, impress others, or climb a social ladder, we are more able to share ourselves with others without fear of judgment.

This, of course, doesn’t mean judgment won’t enter our lives, whether self- or other-imposed, but we are less likely to base our inner conversations and inward/outward actions on these insecurities. When insecurities arise, which for me is quite often, I do my best to lean into them and and myself why this is coming up. Often times I find that my insecurities (feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, fear of being alone) are trying to tell me something. Sometimes it has to do with my relationships to others, but most of the time I can trace it back to the basics: sustainance, hydration, physical activity, and/or rest.

When our identities are not tied to an external status, we are able to examine our experience with genuine curiosity and find these deeper inner truths.

Learning to live an authentic lifestyle is a lifelong journey. New things come up, old things resurface, I forget the path and then experience something that brings me right back to it. It’s all a cycle, and there is no ‘right’ way.

Thank you for reading!

-Emily Lichtenberg

Amelia Lichtenberg 8/2/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 8/2/21

Guided Meditation: Finding Your Edges

This week’s meditation is about finding our edges. I use imagery of cliffs and precipices a lot in my personal practice. I find both the symbolic meanings of edges/cliffs and the somatic reactions I experience to the concept to be invigorating and relevant in a lot of my work regarding deepening the relationship to the self and building the internal landscape view.

Please allow 20-30 minutes for practice and 20-30 minutes for integration.

Please note that I am not a licensed therapist and my meditation practices are meant to assist you at your own discretion. None of my content is meant to be a replacement for a professional therapeutic practice. Be aware of your capacity before beginning any guided meditation practice, and please establish any support networks or practices to help with integration in the event that this guided meditation activates a heightened response.

First, start by finding a comfortable-yet-alert position sitting upright with your feet crossed or planted on the ground. Start with a few deep breaths, counting to 5 with each in-breath, holding for 5, and exhaling for another count of 5. Repeat this two more times.

Begin with a brief body scan meditation. Use this time to drop in and set the intention for this meditation practice.

After the body scan, as you breathe in stillness, notice any sensations which arise in the body. Acknowledge any passing sensations with kindness and allowance. They are welcome here.

Start from the very core of your being, and allow yourself to feel this essence radiate throughout your body. Imagine the inside of your vessel as a vast and eternal landscape. Take note of any imagery, sounds, feelings, or sensations which arise during this visualization.
This landscape is representative of your inner world and all its workings. As it takes form, begin to walk through the landscape and notice anything that sticks out to you. Perhaps a certain person in your life, or an emotion crosses your path. Maybe you walk by a particular pattern which has been present for you recently. Take some time to explore these different elements in your landscape before settling on one to focus this practice. Make sure the element is something prominent in your life, like a significant relationship or a recurring pattern/feeling, where there is a point of tension or disagreement, but not something that is too overwhelming like a severe mental health crisis or abusive dynamic.
As you choose which element in your landscape you wish to focus this practice on, bring it and all that surrounds it to the center of your landscape — bring it right next to you. Take a moment to sit in stillness with this element, and notice how you begin to react. Try to remain as still and as present as possible.
- Do you find yourself wanting to flinch or change positions?
- Does your breathing change?
- What thoughts and emotions does this element bring up?
As you remain still, notice what continues to come through. Allow what is being revealed to you to guide your further conversation with this element.
- If you are focusing on a person, bring to mind the particular aspect of your relationship that is causing tension or disagreement.
- If you are focusing on an emotion or a pattern in your life, try to travel toward the root cause of that feeling/pattern.
As you explore the vastness of the space within this particular element and its tension, notice the areas which ignite resistance. These are your edges.
When you find an edge, take time to sit on the precipice. Allow yourself to feel into the edge, even if it is uncomfortable. Do not push yourself too far, only push yourself just slightly past your comfort zone. Take note of the following:
- Why is this edge here? Is there a specific cause for it, and if so what is the reason for that cause?
  - If the element is a person, ask yourself if this edge reflects a boundary. Why does this edge present itself with this person/within this relationship?
  - For a pattern/emotion, ask yourself why you feel resistance to this feeling? This may bring up a thought or belief embedded in your subconscious about this particular pattern or emotion.
  - Does this edge serve a function? If so, what is its purpose?
  - Does it have an origin? Where did this edge first arise?
- Explore leaning into the edge a little more by pushing the boundary of that edge slightly further than it currently is. Notice if pushing that edge ignites a nourishing or invigorating feeling, or if it ignites a feeling of dread or anxiety. Uses these markers as a compass for whether to continue pursuing expanding this edge or retaining its closeness.
  - Either response is okay. Some of our edges are exactly where they need to be, and there is no work we need to do on them at the moment. Just knowing this can make a huge difference when reflecting or communicating these outside of the meditation space.
- Take a little more time to explore the distance and purpose of this edge, and see if these change as you play with the relationship between these two aspects.
When you are ready, begin bringing yourself back into the safe center of your landscape, allowing the element to drift wherever it naturally wants to.
Take a moment to bask in the safety of your landscape. You are surrounded by ground to walk on, and your edges are safely where you’ve kept them.
Bring yourself back into your Earthly body, slowly. When you are ready, open your eyes and take a moment to write down any downloads, revelations, or significant experiences during your practice.
You can always come back to this meditation for different people, circumstances, and patterns. I suggest taking opportunities to find edges within your own relationship to yourself as well as the other external elements discussed.
— written by Amelia Lichtenberg