The Difference Between Boundaries and Rules
Something that comes up in so many discussions I have about Relationship Anarchy is boundaries, rules, and expectations. Honestly, it’s so important that it comes up in any conversation about relationships, regardless of philosophy or style! I find this is especially prevalent in non-monogamous dynamics as there tend to be more navigational requirements around these topics than for monogamous folx.
Something that comes up in so many discussions I have about Relationship Anarchy is boundaries, rules, and expectations. Honestly, it’s so important that it comes up in any conversation about relationships, regardless of philosophy or style! I find this is especially prevalent in non-monogamous dynamics as there tend to be more navigational requirements around these topics than for monogamous folx.
This week I wanted to dial in and focus on the difference between boundaries and rules. I want to share my definitions of these terms, how I differentiate them from each other, and some areas where I’ve seen these come up in my own relationships and the relationships of those around me.
Please be aware that this is just a reflection of my own experiences, and these definitions and perspectives may not be helpful for everyone. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing!
What is a boundary?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of a boundary is:
Noun:
Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
So, what does this look like in relationships?
I like to think of boundaries as structures that help a person stay on the right path. If I am a forest and my beloved wants to explore the forest, then they would likely use a pathway. My boundaries would be the areas where the path and the forest floor meet, indicating where is and isn’t appropriate to walk.
It is also up to me to maintain clear pathways within my forest, so that others know where is and isn’t okay to walk.
De-stigmatizing the concept of boundaries
I hear people focusing on the “limit” aspect of a boundary often. I know I have at some point in my journey with boundaries. In this perspective boundaries are viewed more as walls that stop a direction dead in its tracks. In my experiences, this perspective can create a lot of anxiety toward the mere concept of boundaries, let alone expressing them. Often it is through this perspective where boundaries can be mistaken for rules, as it has a more aggressive tone to it. That aggression can cause unnecessary conflict within a conversation or connection.
Instead of perceiving boundaries as a wall which denies access to something or a part of someone, I see boundaries as the barriers which help us find the best path to take. Rather than focusing on the limiting aspect of the boundary, I choose to see boundaries as helpful guardrails guiding me along the path to deeper, more wholesome connections. This perspective shift helps me to de-stigmatize boundaries and unravel the notion that they are synonymous with rules.
How do I know if this a boundary instead of a rule?
A lot of information I’ve seen on the net talks about boundaries as if they are synonymous with rules. I think this is a harmful way to approach boundaries because it can create controlling dynamics in relationship negotiating. This is especially true for non-monogamous relationships, where there is more communication and navigation of peoples’ needs, wants, limits, and edges required.
Something I emphasize heavily in my own relationships is that Radical Transparency around wants, needs, boundaries and expectations is extremely important. This is so that I can make the most informed decision about how best to engage with the other person, and I want to give them the opportunity to do the same. I also emphasize expressing these truths in a way that preserves the other person’s autonomy.
I make my needs clear, but I do not force the other person to help me meet those needs. Instead, I welcome them to support me meeting my needs in whatever ways they authentically can or want to.
So, how we differentiate between boundaries and rules? Here is a list of a few key traits that identify a boundary:
· The boundary/need expressed serves a self-care/self-maintenance function.
· The person who expresses the boundary takes accountability for fulfilling this need.
· The person expressing the boundary does so in a way that invites autonomy support for the recipient but does not force it.
The emphasis is always on one’s own experiences and actions when discussing a boundary. Boundaries typically express something a person needs to navigate a situation or conversation safely and healthily, and clearly identifying and expressing the boundary is a self-care practice on its own.
Rules, on the other hand, place explicit emphasis on what the other must do to resolve the unmet want or need.
Rules in relationships
The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of rule is:
Noun:
1. One of a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere.
2. Control of or dominion over an area or people.
Verb:
1. Exercise ultimate power or authority over (an area and its people)
2. Pronounce authoritatively and legally to be the case
That’s a mouthful, I know.
Something that sticks out to me about this definition is the emphasis on authoritarian interaction styles. The essence of a rule is that one party is asserting a semblance of control over another. Sometimes this is consensual (agreed-upon rules), and sometimes this is not.
Identifying traits of a rule are:
· An abundance of “you statements.” (Ex: “you must check in with me once every hour when you’re on a date”).
· A threat of punishment for the person who does not adhere to the rule.
· The rule places the responsibility of meeting a want or need on the other person, and not on the person with the want/need.
The key trait that I sit with is that rules force the other party to take accountability for the wellness of the person setting the rule. Unlike boundaries, which serve a purpose of self-maintenance, rules can be set for any number of reasons – both healthy and unhealthy ones.
There are certain times when rules do make sense, though. As I mentioned above, there are times when boundaries can lead to the creation of rules in relationships. I see this often in non-monogamous relationships where children, co-habiting, or shared finances are present. Just as with boundaries, I think that the inherently contractual and authoritarian aspect of rules makes them seem more destructive.
When in a relationship where shared assets or children are involved, rules may need to be set to protect both parties and/or the children from potentially serious consequences of not following said rules. These could be things ranging from spending money in a shared bank account to new beloveds meeting children.
As with anything, the rule itself is not inherently a bad thing. It is how rules are discussed and why they are being implemented.
In my own relationships
I try to keep rules to a minimum in my more intimate relationships. I admit this is easier for me than some others because I am not legally married, co-habiting, or co-parenting with any of my beloveds.
Instead of implementing rules in my relationships, I have standards for Radical Transparency and practices I ask my beloveds to participate in for the sake of navigating mental, emotional, and physical health and wellness. For me, supporting my beloveds’ autonomy is one of the most important parts of relating, and I feel that implementing rules is counterproductive.
When I have created rules in past relationships, it has always boiled down to an attempt to curb an insecurity within myself. As I continue discovering new things about my relating self, I find that I tend to focus more on finding the “edge” of my comfort zone where the rule wants to come from and seeing if I can identify unmet wants or needs to communicate instead. Recognizing that my feelings, wants, and needs are my own responsibility encourages me to communicate these things to beloveds in a nonviolent way.
I use Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a nice framework for inner dialogue about my edges and how those translate into boundaries in relationships. You can use my Finding Your Edges guided meditation as a framework for this reflective process.
— written by Amelia Lichtenberg
Guided Meditation: Finding Your Edges
This week’s meditation is about finding our edges. I use imagery of cliffs and precipices a lot in my personal practice. I find both the symbolic meanings of edges/cliffs and the somatic reactions I experience to the concept to be invigorating and relevant in a lot of my work regarding deepening the relationship to the self and building the internal landscape view.
This week’s meditation is about finding our edges. I use imagery of cliffs and precipices a lot in my personal practice. I find both the symbolic meanings of edges/cliffs and the somatic reactions I experience to the concept to be invigorating and relevant in a lot of my work regarding deepening the relationship to the self and building the internal landscape view.
Please allow 20-30 minutes for practice and 20-30 minutes for integration.
Please note that I am not a licensed therapist and my meditation practices are meant to assist you at your own discretion. None of my content is meant to be a replacement for a professional therapeutic practice. Be aware of your capacity before beginning any guided meditation practice, and please establish any support networks or practices to help with integration in the event that this guided meditation activates a heightened response.
First, start by finding a comfortable-yet-alert position sitting upright with your feet crossed or planted on the ground. Start with a few deep breaths, counting to 5 with each in-breath, holding for 5, and exhaling for another count of 5. Repeat this two more times.
Begin with a brief body scan meditation. Use this time to drop in and set the intention for this meditation practice.
After the body scan, as you breathe in stillness, notice any sensations which arise in the body. Acknowledge any passing sensations with kindness and allowance. They are welcome here.
“On the Edge” concept (2021)
Start from the very core of your being, and allow yourself to feel this essence radiate throughout your body. Imagine the inside of your vessel as a vast and eternal landscape. Take note of any imagery, sounds, feelings, or sensations which arise during this visualization.
This landscape is representative of your inner world and all its workings. As it takes form, begin to walk through the landscape and notice anything that sticks out to you. Perhaps a certain person in your life, or an emotion crosses your path. Maybe you walk by a particular pattern which has been present for you recently. Take some time to explore these different elements in your landscape before settling on one to focus this practice. Make sure the element is something prominent in your life, like a significant relationship or a recurring pattern/feeling, where there is a point of tension or disagreement, but not something that is too overwhelming like a severe mental health crisis or abusive dynamic.
As you choose which element in your landscape you wish to focus this practice on, bring it and all that surrounds it to the center of your landscape — bring it right next to you. Take a moment to sit in stillness with this element, and notice how you begin to react. Try to remain as still and as present as possible.
Do you find yourself wanting to flinch or change positions?
Does your breathing change?
What thoughts and emotions does this element bring up?
As you remain still, notice what continues to come through. Allow what is being revealed to you to guide your further conversation with this element.
If you are focusing on a person, bring to mind the particular aspect of your relationship that is causing tension or disagreement.
If you are focusing on an emotion or a pattern in your life, try to travel toward the root cause of that feeling/pattern.
As you explore the vastness of the space within this particular element and its tension, notice the areas which ignite resistance. These are your edges.
When you find an edge, take time to sit on the precipice. Allow yourself to feel into the edge, even if it is uncomfortable. Do not push yourself too far, only push yourself just slightly past your comfort zone. Take note of the following:
Why is this edge here? Is there a specific cause for it, and if so what is the reason for that cause?
If the element is a person, ask yourself if this edge reflects a boundary. Why does this edge present itself with this person/within this relationship?
For a pattern/emotion, ask yourself why you feel resistance to this feeling? This may bring up a thought or belief embedded in your subconscious about this particular pattern or emotion.
Does this edge serve a function? If so, what is its purpose?
Does it have an origin? Where did this edge first arise?
Explore leaning into the edge a little more by pushing the boundary of that edge slightly further than it currently is. Notice if pushing that edge ignites a nourishing or invigorating feeling, or if it ignites a feeling of dread or anxiety. Uses these markers as a compass for whether to continue pursuing expanding this edge or retaining its closeness.
Either response is okay. Some of our edges are exactly where they need to be, and there is no work we need to do on them at the moment. Just knowing this can make a huge difference when reflecting or communicating these outside of the meditation space.
Take a little more time to explore the distance and purpose of this edge, and see if these change as you play with the relationship between these two aspects.
When you are ready, begin bringing yourself back into the safe center of your landscape, allowing the element to drift wherever it naturally wants to.
Take a moment to bask in the safety of your landscape. You are surrounded by ground to walk on, and your edges are safely where you’ve kept them.
Bring yourself back into your Earthly body, slowly. When you are ready, open your eyes and take a moment to write down any downloads, revelations, or significant experiences during your practice.
You can always come back to this meditation for different people, circumstances, and patterns. I suggest taking opportunities to find edges within your own relationship to yourself as well as the other external elements discussed.
— written by Amelia Lichtenberg