Amelia Lichtenberg 6/15/24 Amelia Lichtenberg 6/15/24

Art is the Process: A Look into the Healing Journey of an Art Therapy Student

For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently embarking on a Master’s degree in art therapy. The school I go to requires a LOT of work, both in regards to my classes, assignments, and clinical work, and with the amount of personal growth and deep reflection we are asked to do throughout our education. Being an art therapy student, that means we are asked to constantly make response art (a practice of using art-making to process a specific experience or concept), and also engage in various art therapy directives that we might ask our future clients to use. The point being that we understand what we are asking of others.

Being a therapist as a lifestyle

They say the best therapists have therapists, and I wholeheartedly believe that. I also think that the best art therapists maintain a personal art practice, which may combine art therapy-type engagement with Self and other forms of artistic expression. While it’s been hard for me to maintain my non-art therapy professional painting practice, I have been dedicating time during grad school to explore new materials and forms of creative expression. Writing is one of those forms of expression for me, so this entry is more to highlight some of the pieces from my process I’ve been cultivating since starting this phase of life.

process-oriented artwork

‘Draw Your Breath’ art therapy group activity (2023)

The major difference between the work in this article and my professional artwork is the process. My professional work is meticulous and carefully planned out and executed. My process work is loose, sometimes based on a pre-meditated idea, but mostly based on the moment, what’s available, and what feels good or ‘right’ to work with.

This ‘Draw Your Breath’ image was the first time I experienced this activity. We were instructed to close our eyes and draw our breath, pass the sheet to the person on our right, and do the same. We did a few rounds of this, and everyone got their original sheets back. We were asked to pull out images/shapes/forms we saw in the scribbles.

I’ve continued doing this activity solo when I need to ground and regulate. On days where I’m feeling distracted at my clinical site, I would take a beat to do a breath drawing.

Another practice I’ve found incredibly useful for processing my own life and experiences is an art journal exercise, where I will write about something and then create art on top of it. Sometimes I get a flash of a visual idea while writing and go with that, other times (like the one shown here) I just go with what ‘feels’ good (physically, emotionally, etc.). As I write this piece I’m being reminded of how much I love this practice and how I need to be engaging in it way more frequently, especially when I’m feeling highly activated.

I’ve also found this particular activity helpful when I’m not sure exactly how to start making a piece of response or process art. Since my artistic background is in commercial fine art, I still often struggle with letting go and making art just for myself. It’s easy for me to get caught up in pressuring myself that every piece needs to be ‘good.’ The process of writing first helps loosen me up from that.

exploring different dialcets of artistic language

Western medical & liberation psychology views of ‘neurodivergence’ - handmade book (2023)

One of my favorite parts of the art therapy grad school experience has been how inspired I am to try different mediums and forms of expression. For my Adult Development class, which really was a class comparing the values of the Western medical model and liberation psychology, we were asked to create a book. Each page was based on the topic of the week, and we were to depict the Western medical view of the topic on the left, the liberation psychology view on the right, and discuss how we would integrate them in our practice in the middle. I chose a different medium for each page of the book, including a page of sewn buttons, glued beads, collage, and more.

‘Acknowledging What’s Here’ - clinical response art (2024)

As art therapists, we also explore the way different mediums elicit different facets of the creative process. Since starting grad school, I’ve grown to love watercolor and inks - the two areas of 2D media I always avoided. The quick and fluid properties of them entice me and have inspired me to learn how to let go.

A theme throughout my personal creative healing journey has been learning how to use artmaking to channel raw emotion. As a person living with PTSD, I struggle with dissociation and over-intellectualizing my emotional experiences. That’s why I write. That’s why my professional artwork has a refined and careful process. I am so used to distilling my creative experience, but I’ve also come to find that while that is somewhat of a strength, it is also one of my bigger shortcomings.

Blindfolded ‘affective’ tempera paint stick drawing (2024)

Vellum layer of blindfolded ‘affective’ image (2024)

As I move toward my final year of school, moving from the classroom to the clinic, I’ve been focusing a lot of my creative processing on this. My supervisor last year taught me an activity where we taped a large piece of paper to the table, I was blindfolded, and she handed me tempera paint sticks and asked me to channel my feelings into marks on the page. Letting go of aesthetics and directing intention, just emoting on the page. This is one of the most valuable tools I have learned, although also one of the hardest activities for me to stay engaged in. I will often set a timer for myself to see how long it takes before I notice myself shutting down from the emotional space. It’s about 5 minutes, maximum.

I’ve added to this practice by taking a piece of translucent vellum (a type of tracing paper) and taping it on top of the tempera piece. I will take a marker and draw/write on top of the page, which has served as a way to ground the experience and provide me context in case I revisit the piece. The two images here show a blindfolded tempera piece and the layered vellum. Sadly, my sharpie was almost dead in this session and it impacted the experience. It was a valuable lesson in making sure that all the materials available are properly working before diving into, or leading someone into, an experience like this.

Eco-art: nature as art material and subject

‘To Be Held’ - response art to wilderness therapy class (2023)

Probably the most significant portion of my creative journey through grad school has been the evolution of my process and identity as an emerging eco-art therapist. Through engaging with the creative process in new ways, through curiosity in exploring new media, I’ve opened myself up to what it means to work with nature in the creative process. This both refers to subject and material. The ‘To Be Held’ piece is still one of my favorites that I’ve created in grad school. During my Wilderness & Adventure Therapy class, I felt held by the trees and moss of the forest where we stayed. I was struggling with heartbreak, and the soil absorbed my tears. I felt loved and at home. I asked the land if I could take some moss and bark to add to my image, to use some berries for the ink, and she enthusiastically consented. To work with the more-than-human world in this way, to create art and meaning from and with nature, has brought a deeper sense of purpose and meaning to my own creative work and the work I want to facilitate for my clients.

This particular creative adventure started with my first Ecotherapy class, where we were asked to practice ‘place bonding’ throughout the semester. We were to visit our chosen place at least 3-4 times per week, at different times of day and during different weather conditions. I chose a spot in a local forest, and each visit I created a watercolor painting of the area from a different angle. At the end of my place bonding experience, I collected fallen branches and other materials to create a final art piece to reflect my experience. Place bonding gave me a practice of tuning in to the beings around me, and offered me a space to prioritize these relationships. I saw myself as part of the ecosystem, rather than a separate visitor. Hence, I created a self portrait out of Douglas Fir needles from the area. It has also been a fun and interesting process to watch the needles dry and change color, changing the way the piece looks over time - a reminder of the impermanence of all things.

This final piece was created during an open studio session facilitated by my cohort peers. We were asked to roam our beautiful campus and forage materials to create a burnout buddy. The process brought about a playful engagement with both the campus ecosystem, while also addressing the experience of burnout that is so pervasive in grad school. Bringing play and childlike joy into the creative process, while also fostering engagement with the more-than-human world has helped me find playful moments in everyday life. Creating burnout buddies out of easily foraged materials like Fir cones and rocks made the activity accessible, able to experience in a wide variety of locations.

In the end, a lot of my art therapy education has been a collection of learning new ways to heal myself through art-making, and thus building a repertoire of directives to use with clients on their healing journey. While it has been, and will continue to be, a tough journey of deep self reflection, I am so grateful for the way we are learning.

— Emily Lichtenberg

Amelia Lichtenberg 5/18/24 Amelia Lichtenberg 5/18/24

Healing Trauma Through Growth-Fostering Relationships

A/N: I found this piece waiting in my drafts from April 2023. I touched it up a bit, but the events which inspired this original piece are now over 1 year old (though I left the recent-past tense in the piece). I may revisit this concept with a reflection piece, as I still see how these general thoughts I had are still so true and relevant to how I experience my current relational landscape, which is much different than the one illustrated below.

Enjoy the read!

Today I realized something important. No matter what partner, my anxieties around deception and abandonment show up at some point. I know these reactions are informed by my trauma history, and while I’ve come a long way in processing these feelings and experiences, there are moments where they still affect me very strongly. I can’t tell if this will ever fully dissipate, but something I noticed is that there are some relationships where this part of myself becomes a source of stress and disconnection, and others where it’s a non-issue and is worked through as quickly as it arises.

I began to wonder, why is this such a big issue with some partners and not with others? I concluded it came down to the dynamic within each individual relationship, and how all parties interact with each other in that space. In writing this article, I came to understand that it is more complicated than simply ‘chemistry.’ Communication compatibility, the structures placed within a relationship, the trauma histories, and how all parties respond to the each other all inform how the trauma-brain parts of myself interface in relationships and what happens when activation occurs.

To understand my experiences better, I decided to examine this recent series of moments from the relational-cultural counseling theory.

Relational-cultural Theory

Relational-cultural theory (RCT) believes that our experiences and identities are shaped by our relationships. Healing occurs when healthy, secure relationships are built, and trauma accumulates when we isolate ourselves from authentic connections. Authenticity is cultivated through affirming experiences in relationships. When we are not accepted in our relationships, we hide our authentic selves.

I recently made the choice to dissolve a cohabiting, core partnership in favor of developing a new structure with this beloved. In rewriting our relationship intentions and readjusting our landscapes to incorporate new partners, I felt my trauma surface in the face of changing dynamics and priorities. When I’ve shared my insecurities in the past, it led to communication breakdown, stress, and distance. Over time, this caused me to feel like there was something wrong with me, and I began to hide parts of my authentic self to maintain peace in our dynamic.

There is a concept in RCT called the central relational paradox which states that chronic disconnection can lead to condemned isolation, or a sense that one isn’t worthy of human connection (Duffey & Somody, 2011). Although people desire authentic connection, trauma causes folks to develop protective habits that further ensure isolation. I did this in my cohabiting relationship by hiding my authentic feelings and withdrawing.

This part of my recent relational history is why I have struggled so much in the last year to write these articles. Finding authentic words felt impossible because I wasn’t embodying them. It is also why I felt a deep sense of dread when my trauma responses began to emerge in a new dynamic.

Response Art: Being Held by My Team (2024)

RCT is a perspective which takes the focus off the individual and puts experiences and behaviors into a broader social context. Reflecting on my recent experiences from this lens, I see why when I shared my feelings with this newer partner, they responded in a way where I felt accepted. I didn’t feel like I was ‘wrong,’ or that my feelings were shameful, and they dissipated as instantly as they arose. Nuances in communication styles and trauma histories made all the difference when engaging in the same conversation with two different partners.

Healing occurs through growth-fostering relationships. Some characteristics of a growth-fostering relationship are:

· Mutuality

· Prioritizing each other’s growth and the relationship

· Authentic communication

· Radical acceptance

· Expansion of thought, feeling, and understanding

Along with complicated trauma histories, there were power differentials in my previous relationship which impeded our ability to achieve mutuality. In my experience, without this sense of mutuality it is impossible to step into a space of expansion, radical acceptance, and authentic communication. This served as a detriment in the vulnerable moments. The effect of these power differentials became apparent after we re-configured our relationship structure and were able to establish mutuality.

Using Relationship Anarchy & ENM to Heal Relational Trauma

We heal through being engaged in authentic relationships. We can build structures to foster these kinds of dynamics by fostering relational resilience, which includes the following shifts:

· Individual ‘control over’ —> supported vulnerability

· One-directional needs for support —> mutual empathetic involvement

· Separate self-esteem —> relational confidence

· ‘Power over’ dynamics —> empowerment through encouragement of mutual growth & constructive conflict

· Finding meaning in self-centered/self-consciousness —> creating meaning in expansive relational awareness (Duffey & Somody, 2011)

I began my journey into ENM and RA with intentions to heal relational trauma from my upbringing and early adult life. By cultivating a lifestyle where my relationship structures are based on intentional, mutual agreements which are subject to change, I have developed a foundation of relational healing to lean on in hard times. The struggles I faced over the last year in my cohabiting relationship stemmed from being unable to fully embody these values in that relationship. When we deconstructed and reconstructed our relationship, we were able to move toward relational resilience practices with each other and maintain a deep closeness in our new relationship.

The relationship with my new beloved has the benefit of the wisdom and experience I gained from my last experience. By weaving in agreements to mitigate the same power differentials that occurred, we are setting a structure that very intentionally fosters mutuality. From this mutuality, we work toward healing each other through compersion and inviting authentic communication. Having similar neurodivergence and communication styles make building and maintaining these structures easier.

I notice this growth-fostering relationship creates a feedback loop in my other relationships. With increased relational confidence built from experiences of security and acceptance, I can interface with other beloveds in a way that embodies radical transparency, radical acceptance, and from a community-based mindset.

My trauma responses still show up in both dynamics from time-to-time, and I imagine they will continue to do so as I heal, but the level to which they are enflamed or diminished, and the impact they have on myself and my connections vary based on the connection and structures in place. There is only so much that ‘compatibility’ can do for a dynamic, and we are all accountable to ourselves to meet others in our lives in a space to co-create growth-fostering relationships.

—Emily Lichtenberg

resources

Duffey, T., & Somody, C. (2011). The role of relational-cultural theory in mental health counseling. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 33(3), 223-242.

Relational-Cultural Theory: Fostering Healthy Coexistence Through a Relational Lens

APA: Relational Cultural Therapy Sample

A Relational-Cultural Framework: Emphasizing Relational Dynamics and Multicultural Skill Development (NBCC)

Amelia Lichtenberg 8/9/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 8/9/21

The Difference Between Boundaries and Rules

Something that comes up in so many discussions I have about Relationship Anarchy is boundaries, rules, and expectations. Honestly, it’s so important that it comes up in any conversation about relationships, regardless of philosophy or style! I find this is especially prevalent in non-monogamous dynamics as there tend to be more navigational requirements around these topics than for monogamous folx.

This week I wanted to dial in and focus on the difference between boundaries and rules. I want to share my definitions of these terms, how I differentiate them from each other, and some areas where I’ve seen these come up in my own relationships and the relationships of those around me.

Please be aware that this is just a reflection of my own experiences, and these definitions and perspectives may not be helpful for everyone. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing!

What is a boundary?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of a boundary is:

Noun:

Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.

So, what does this look like in relationships?

I like to think of boundaries as structures that help a person stay on the right path. If I am a forest and my beloved wants to explore the forest, then they would likely use a pathway. My boundaries would be the areas where the path and the forest floor meet, indicating where is and isn’t appropriate to walk.

It is also up to me to maintain clear pathways within my forest, so that others know where is and isn’t okay to walk.

De-stigmatizing the concept of boundaries

I hear people focusing on the “limit” aspect of a boundary often. I know I have at some point in my journey with boundaries. In this perspective boundaries are viewed more as walls that stop a direction dead in its tracks. In my experiences, this perspective can create a lot of anxiety toward the mere concept of boundaries, let alone expressing them. Often it is through this perspective where boundaries can be mistaken for rules, as it has a more aggressive tone to it. That aggression can cause unnecessary conflict within a conversation or connection.

Instead of perceiving boundaries as a wall which denies access to something or a part of someone, I see boundaries as the barriers which help us find the best path to take. Rather than focusing on the limiting aspect of the boundary, I choose to see boundaries as helpful guardrails guiding me along the path to deeper, more wholesome connections. This perspective shift helps me to de-stigmatize boundaries and unravel the notion that they are synonymous with rules.

How do I know if this a boundary instead of a rule?

A lot of information I’ve seen on the net talks about boundaries as if they are synonymous with rules. I think this is a harmful way to approach boundaries because it can create controlling dynamics in relationship negotiating. This is especially true for non-monogamous relationships, where there is more communication and navigation of peoples’ needs, wants, limits, and edges required.

Something I emphasize heavily in my own relationships is that Radical Transparency around wants, needs, boundaries and expectations is extremely important. This is so that I can make the most informed decision about how best to engage with the other person, and I want to give them the opportunity to do the same. I also emphasize expressing these truths in a way that preserves the other person’s autonomy.

I make my needs clear, but I do not force the other person to help me meet those needs. Instead, I welcome them to support me meeting my needs in whatever ways they authentically can or want to.

So, how we differentiate between boundaries and rules? Here is a list of a few key traits that identify a boundary:

· The boundary/need expressed serves a self-care/self-maintenance function.

· The person who expresses the boundary takes accountability for fulfilling this need.

· The person expressing the boundary does so in a way that invites autonomy support for the recipient but does not force it.

The emphasis is always on one’s own experiences and actions when discussing a boundary. Boundaries typically express something a person needs to navigate a situation or conversation safely and healthily, and clearly identifying and expressing the boundary is a self-care practice on its own.

Rules, on the other hand, place explicit emphasis on what the other must do to resolve the unmet want or need.

Rules in relationships

The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of rule is:

Noun:

1. One of a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere.

2. Control of or dominion over an area or people.

Verb:

1. Exercise ultimate power or authority over (an area and its people)

2. Pronounce authoritatively and legally to be the case

That’s a mouthful, I know.

Something that sticks out to me about this definition is the emphasis on authoritarian interaction styles. The essence of a rule is that one party is asserting a semblance of control over another. Sometimes this is consensual (agreed-upon rules), and sometimes this is not.

Identifying traits of a rule are:

· An abundance of “you statements.” (Ex: “you must check in with me once every hour when you’re on a date”).

· A threat of punishment for the person who does not adhere to the rule.

· The rule places the responsibility of meeting a want or need on the other person, and not on the person with the want/need.

The key trait that I sit with is that rules force the other party to take accountability for the wellness of the person setting the rule. Unlike boundaries, which serve a purpose of self-maintenance, rules can be set for any number of reasons – both healthy and unhealthy ones.

There are certain times when rules do make sense, though. As I mentioned above, there are times when boundaries can lead to the creation of rules in relationships. I see this often in non-monogamous relationships where children, co-habiting, or shared finances are present. Just as with boundaries, I think that the inherently contractual and authoritarian aspect of rules makes them seem more destructive.

When in a relationship where shared assets or children are involved, rules may need to be set to protect both parties and/or the children from potentially serious consequences of not following said rules. These could be things ranging from spending money in a shared bank account to new beloveds meeting children.

As with anything, the rule itself is not inherently a bad thing. It is how rules are discussed and why they are being implemented.

In my own relationships

I try to keep rules to a minimum in my more intimate relationships. I admit this is easier for me than some others because I am not legally married, co-habiting, or co-parenting with any of my beloveds.

Instead of implementing rules in my relationships, I have standards for Radical Transparency and practices I ask my beloveds to participate in for the sake of navigating mental, emotional, and physical health and wellness. For me, supporting my beloveds’ autonomy is one of the most important parts of relating, and I feel that implementing rules is counterproductive.

When I have created rules in past relationships, it has always boiled down to an attempt to curb an insecurity within myself. As I continue discovering new things about my relating self, I find that I tend to focus more on finding the “edge” of my comfort zone where the rule wants to come from and seeing if I can identify unmet wants or needs to communicate instead. Recognizing that my feelings, wants, and needs are my own responsibility encourages me to communicate these things to beloveds in a nonviolent way.

I use Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a nice framework for inner dialogue about my edges and how those translate into boundaries in relationships. You can use my Finding Your Edges guided meditation as a framework for this reflective process.

— written by Amelia Lichtenberg

Extra Resources:

Multiamory: The Basics of Boundaries (podcast)

Center for Nonviolent Communication

Positive Psychology: How to Set Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets (article)

Polyamory Today: Boundaries vs. Rules: What’s the Difference? (article)

Amelia Lichtenberg 7/19/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 7/19/21

A Guided Meditation for Tapping into the Nervous System & Bodily Awareness

In this meditation we will focus on cultivating bodily presence and awareness through sitting in a mindful awareness of our nervous system. Please allow at least 20-30 minutes for best practices.

Have a journal, voice recorder, or some way to externalize your reflections close by. Journaling is not necessary for this practice, but it does deepen the work.

Find a comfortable sitting position to begin. Start by slowing down your breathing. On this next in-breath, try to elongate the breath and count to 5 slowly. Pause for a moment before exhaling. On the out-breath, elongate the breath to the same length as the in-breath, using a slow count of 5. Do this 5-7 more times until you find a rhythm.

“Portal to a Mycellial Dimension” (2019)

Keeping the breath in mind, begin to perform a body scan. Starting from the top of your head, moving through the face, toward the neck, check for any areas where you are holding tension. Release the tension in these areas. A helpful way to do this is to draw the tension in with the in-breath, and let it release on the out-breath. Continue your body scan down your shoulders, arms, upper and lower back, pelvic area… all the way down to your toes, releasing any tension you find.

Take a few breaths in this new, relaxed body. When you are ready, starting from the spine, focus your bodily awareness your nervous system. Feel the different branches of this system extending throughout your body, from your spine to your arms, legs, head, gut… everywhere. How does this feel? Do you notice any alertness in any of these branches? Can you feel the electrical current running through the various nerves? Sit, with elongated breaths, in bodily awareness of your nervous system for a few minutes. Take this time to calm any activated parts and hold compassionate awareness for the sensations this brings up.

After a few minutes, begin to extend your awareness outward even more. From the inside of your skin to the outside. Where the outside of the skin meets the air. Allow your body awareness to expand outwardly and encompass the larger space you are in. How does this feel? Are there any walls, and if so, what do they feel like? How far out can you expand your body/space awareness?

Spend about 5-7 minutes in this expanded space of awareness. Observe with mindful compassion any thoughts or sensations that arise and write them down later. When you are ready, begin to recede your expansion, returning back within your body. How does it feel to be back inside of your body? Are there any changes?

Slowly begin bringing yourself back by bringing awareness back to the nervous system, and to your spinal chord. When you are ready, open your eyes and jot down any observations or experiences you had.

— written by Emily Lichtenberg

Amelia Lichtenberg 7/7/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 7/7/21

Guided Practice: Body Scans

This is a guided exercise for releasing tension throughout the body. I find body scans to be extremely helpful in re-centering the mind/body/spirit during Mindfulness practice, and I prefer to begin all of my meditation and journaling exercises with a body scan practice.

The Body Scan

Starting from the top of your head, moving through the face, toward the neck, check for any areas where you are holding tension. A great place to start is the center of the forehead. Release the tension in these areas. A helpful way to do this is to draw the tension in with the in-breath, and let it release on the out-breath. I use counts of 3 or 5 for my breath cycles.

Continue your body scan down your shoulders, your upper and lower arms, and into your hands and fingers. Allow yourself to feel into these parts of your body, seeing how much tension you can gather and release in these parts. See how much space you can create from within these parts of the body.

Continue this practice into your upper and mid-back. Focus on your chest and your navel, and release any tension within these areas. Sometimes taking a few extra moments to sit with a specific area is necessary. Sometimes things awaken when we focus on areas we hold tension. It is okay to allow whatever is alive to be present with you. Welcome it with loving-kindness and a soft heart.

Feel into your lower back and your pelvic region. Notice where your body makes contact with the surface you are sitting on. Feel into this sense of groundedness and allow the tension from these areas to sink into the Earth. Shift your focus to your legs, knees, ankles and feet. Allow yourself to feel into these parts of your body.

Take a moment to sit in the experience of being completely within your body, free of tension and stress. After taking a few moments here, allow yourself to come back to intentional awareness. Now you may continue with your meditation practice, or you may choose to end your practice here for now.

This meditation practice is inspired by the work of Tara Brach. Visit her website for her guided mediations and talks.

— written by Emily Lichtenberg

Amelia Lichtenberg 6/25/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 6/25/21

A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language & Resources

This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.

Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!

This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.

As of June 25, 2021 this guide is very incomplete and is regularly updated with new terms and refined definitions.

Activated/Activation: being in an intense physical/mental state of trauma response. Also referred to as being “triggered.” These states usually consist of constriction within the body, elevated heart rate and breathing, as well as amplified, tense emotional energy such as stress responses, fear, anger, anxiety and more.

Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT): introduced by Jennifer Freyd in 1994. Betrayal trauma is defined as trauma inflicted upon a person by someone whom they are close with and reliant on for support and survival.

Often discussed in the context of childhood trauma. Survivors of betrayal trauma dissociate from the trauma in order to preserve the relationship with the abuser for survival purposes. This is likely to impact one’s ability to affect a person’s ability to trust or make healthy decisions about the trustworthiness of others as an adult.

For more information on BTT click here.

C-PTSD: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

C-PTSD differs from standard PTSD in that there are multiple incidents of trauma which morph together to create complex responses. Often it is difficult to differentiate which trauma is activated by a particular trigger, and C-PTSD is harder to diagnose and treat than standard PTSD.

For more information on C-PTSD click here.

Fawning: a slightly different stress response than Fight/Flight/Freeze that also serves as a reaction to danger. Similar physiological symptoms occur, however, the response is to attempt appeasement.

I chose to put fawning in its own category because this response tends to be learned through socialization and/or traumatic life experiences moreso than Fight/Flight/Freeze (which are more autonomic by nature). While fawning does share similar physiological symptoms to the other three F’s, the development of this behavior is different, and it is the only response which specifically utilizes human’s social nature for its effects.

Fight/Flight/Freeze: a stress response that serves as the body’s natural reaction to danger. All of these share similar physiological symptoms and serve as an active defense response to threats.

Fight: the fight response is when the body’s immediate response to danger is to gear up to fight a threat.

Flight: the flight response is when the body’s immediate response is to run away from a threat

Freeze: the freeze response is when the body’s immediate response is to neither run, nor fight, but remain alertly still and ready to spring into action.

More information on the Fight/Flight/Freeze physiological symptoms and purposes.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): a psychological disorder which can develop after a person experiences a shocking, terrifying, or dangerous event. This disorder is characterized by a person regularly re-experiencing the traumatic event, and this is indicated by an immediate fight/flight/freeze response to a person, place, object, or event which can serve as a “trigger.”

For more information about PTSD signs and symptoms, click here.

Radical Acceptance: The practice of surrendering a desire for control, and a practice of accepting that which we cannot change with a peaceful mind, open heart, and sense of deep compassion.

This term was coined by Tara Brach, and it is an integral part of her work and practice. I have adopted this term into my own personal and professional practice as it beautifully encapsulates what RA is about and the practice often needed to work through serious trauma-induced belief and thought patterns.

Please read Tara’s in-depth article about Radical Acceptance here.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): A relatively new term to describe a condition in which an individual struggles with rejection, criticism, and the fear of rejection to a debilitating point.

Click here for a comprehensive read on RSD + symptoms.

Self-Regulation: The process of healthily navigating one’s biopsychosocial ups and downs (“swings”).

Self-regulation consists of various tools and methodologies one uses to handle their internal swings. This blanket term encompasses emotional regulation, psychological (thought pattern) regulation, and somatic regulation.

How to Develop and Practice Self-Regulation

Somatic Awareness: One’s awareness of how the body responds to mental and/or emotional experiences.

The body carries responses to our mental and emotional experiences, even when we are not aware of it. Somatic awareness is an important concept in trauma-informed practice and discussion as often times traumatized individuals have a disconnect from their body (this includes the nervous system). Re-connecting oneself with the body and developing an understanding of how it responds to mental/emotional strain can help facilitate de-escalation and help refine self-regulation strategies.

Trigger: A topic, behavior, subject or circumstance which acts as a prompt for trauma re-activation.

Triggers are different for every individual based on their experiences. It is important to be aware of our own triggers as well as retain a sense of mindfulness around the triggers our beloveds may have. Due to the stigma that can be associated with this word, I interchange this with “prompt.”

This guide is frequently updated with new terms and refined definitions! If there is a term you do not see on this guide and would like it to be added, or if you have any questions regarding these terms please contact me.

Amelia Lichtenberg 6/16/21 Amelia Lichtenberg 6/16/21

A Beginner's Guide to Non-Monogamy Abbreviations and Terms

Here is a guide to the many abbreviations and terms that are often found in non-monogamous and polyamorous communities. Many terms in other articles will be hyperlinked here!

Please note that many of these terms are subjective to each person and that these are only my versions of these definitions. You are free (and encouraged) to make your own conclusions on what these terms mean for you, however this list will help you navigate my content!

Here is a guide to the many abbreviations and terms that are often found in non-monogamous and polyamorous communities. Many terms in other articles will be hyperlinked here!

Ambiamorous: A person who enjoys both monogamous and polyamorous relationship structures.

A person who identifies as ambiamorous may flow between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship structures. This can happen within the same relationship, if both parties are consenting, or may change depending on relationship dyanmics that evolve over time. Generally, a person who is ambiamorous has little to no preference between relationship structures, and they may express feelings for only one partner or many partners at the same time.

Anchor Partner (AP): A common term used to describe a “dominant” relationship in a non-hierarchical way.

For some, a “dominant” partner does not indicate “primary.” The reason for preference or level of closeness to this person can vary. Instead of utilizing hierarchical terminology like “Primary Partner” (see below), this term indicates imagery of a grounding anchor. The person or relationship is a stable and grounding force for the individual, but does not have greater value than other relationships because of this.

Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM): A relationship style which is characterized by the explicit focus on making sure all participating parties are informed and consenting.

Compersion: The experiencing of feeling joy for and supporting the joy of a loved one regardless of our direct involvement in that joy.

In non-monogamous communities this is often discussed as the ideal reaction to a partner’s new partner or potential new partner. Many people practice compersion in their close platonic friendships, though. If you, the reader, take a moment here to reflect on how you react when a close friend shares exciting news that is unrelated to you or your relationship with them. Are you gravitated toward feeling joy for them? If so, then you’re practicing compersion.

Core Partner: (Also see “Anchor Partner”). A non-hierarchical term for a nesting (cohabiting) or life partner.

Some individuals choose to retain a non-hierarchical perspective of their relationships, even when there is enmeshment such as cohabitation or sharing finances. This term can be used for those who adopt the “Relationship Landscape” (see below) perspective of relating. We are our own core, and all our other relationships spiral outward from that core. Sometimes there is someone(s) who are so close to us in our landscape, that their core overlaps with ours. They still have their own spiral(s), but the likelihood of intersection is much greater. This term is similar to Anchor Partner, but provides option for different imagery.

Couple’s Privilege: refers to the advantages that an established couple has within relationsihp dynamics, especially when a new person is introduced to the relationship.

Often discussed and experienced when a new person is introduced to a relationship, whether they are dating one or both members of the existing coupledom. Couple’s privilege tends to be implicit - meaning it is often subconscious and automatic, and it is often normalized. This behavior is often discussed in unicorn hunting or hierarchical relationship dynamics.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT): a practice where partners agree not to ask each other about other partners or share details about their other relationships

Often a feature in parallel poly and more “restrictive” types of non-monogamy (monogamish, swinging, etc.), partners agree not to ask about or share details regarding their other relationships with each other. Details for the DADT agreement are typically discussed at or near the beginning of a relationship.

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): See Consensual Non-Monogamy (above)

Some people prefer to identify with CNM while others prefer ENM. The differences between the two are relatively slim, however not everyone sees them as completely interchangeable. The main difference is the emphasis on the word “consent,” which may differ from “ethical” to a person.

Kitchen Table Poly (KTP): a style of polyamory where ideally everyone and everyone’s partners can peacefully and pleasantly gather around a kitchen table for a cup of tea together

KTP can be considered a more “communal” style of polyamory/non-monogamy, where all involved are part of a community, or at least are welcomed to spend time with one another. Friendships and personal relationships among metas are encouraged by their shared beloved(s). KTP is often thought to be the opposite of “parallel poly.”

Metamour: My beloved’s other partner/beloved(s)

Also referred to as “meta(s).”

Mono-normative/Mono-typical: The “traditional” (cishet) monogamous relationship structure and narrative, including the “Relationship Escalator” (below) and the concept of “sexual ownership.”

Mono-normative is a term used to describe the traditional monogamous relationship structure. Often in ENM there comes the topic of “unlearning.” This usually refers to a person’s process of unlearning the ideals and expectations taught in mono-normative relationship culture as they begin to explore ENM or polyamory. A large part of the unlearning process tends to be focused around the concept of “sexual ownership,” which indicates: “if I am in a sexual relationship with someone, then I have priority and claim over that person in this and other areas of their life.”

Note: This is characteristic of mono-normative beliefs, and not all-encompassing for monogamous people.

NRE (New Relationship Energy): a phenomenon common at the beginning of a new relationship marked by deep infatuation and borderline obsession with a person.

NRE is a term used in the ENM/CNM community to describe the near obsession-like infatuation that can be characteristic of a new relationship. Some people seek NRE in their connections while others avoid it. Often this is discussed in non-monogamous dynamics when there is a long-term dyad and one person makes a new connection outside of the relationship. NRE can affect the person to spend less time with their existing partners or create an idealized fantasy about the new person, and is often a time when a person unafflicted by NRE can practice compersion for their beloved.

Nesting Partner (NP): A live-in partner

This is not always inherently synonymous with primary partner, but often can be. This term solely refers to a beloved with whom a person cohabitates.

Parallel Poly(amory): a style of polyamory where one person’s partners do not meet or interact with each other. The “metas” are considered to run parallel tracks to each other.

Often thought of as the opposite of “KTP,” parallel polyamory tends to discourage metas cultivating or maintaining relationships with each other. People who are partial to parallel poly may prefer to also practice “don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT)” with their partner(s).

Polyamory: A facet of ENM/CNM which consists of an individual or group consistently and actively participating in multiple relationships at one time.

This particular definition is widely subjective and will be different for everyone. My distinction between polyamory and ENM/CNM is that the former focuses on actively pursuing multiple relationships consistently, while ENM/CNM is the umbrella-term for all ethical and consenting non-monogamous relationship structures. An example of this difference is that a person who identifies as ENM may be actively seeing one beloved for an extended period of time with no desire or need to “search” for other connections but is still non-monogamous; a person identifying as polyamorous may have one consistent beloved (a primary or an NP, for example), but tends to actively seek other connections in addition to the existing one.

Polycule: A term used for a group of 3 or more people who are in relationship with each other.

Polyfidelity: a type of relationship where 3 or more people agree to date exclusively within the specific relationship container.

Polyfidelity can be considered the “closed” version of a non-monogamous relationship. A polycule of 3 or more people are agreeing to only engage in romantic or sexual intimacy with others in the polycule. Dating outside of the agreed group is considered a breech of this agreement.

Primary (Partner): the relationship with highest “priority” or longevity in a hierarchical polyamorous dynamic.

Primary partners are typically a person’s longest-lasting dyad relationship within a polyamorous dynamic and is the person who takes “primary” priority in a polyamorous hierarchy. This “rank” could be for a number of different practice, emotional, spiritual or cultural purposes. Often times a primary is someone whose live is deeply intertwined with a person (perhaps they live together, share finances, or co-parent) and thus requires more relational navigation than other relationships. This does not mean a person loves their non-primary partners any more or less.

Solo Polyamory (Solo Poly/SoPo): a branch of polyamory where a person has a lack of desire to intertwine/merge with a beloved and typically have no “primary” partner .

“I am my own primary partner” is another way to phrase the SoPo perspective. Often people who identify as Solo Poly do not wish to live with or share finances with a beloved and are perceived as fiercely independent.

Radical Transparency: the practice of being totally and fully honest with the people in one’s life.

What makes transparency radial? A conviction toward always living in a space of total and complete honesty with oneself and one’s beloveds. Rather than picking-and-choosing information to share, Radical Transparency invites a person to share their full authentic self. Sounds daunting? Try being fully present with a friend, and share openly whatever you’re experiencing in that particular moment. That’s Radical Transparency! (Now, try it in your partnerships!)

Relationship Anarchy (RA): A relating philosophy which focuses on building relationships through shared agreements and authentic co-willing.

See my “What is RA?” page for more!

Relationship Escalator: The concept of building a relationship “upwards” toward certain goals such as co-habitation, marriage, procreation.

Often tied with mono-normative (above) ideals, the Relationship Escalator refers to the process of building a relationship upwards with different “steps.” In traditional, mono-normative culture this may look like: dating first, then dating “exclusively,” then co-habitation and/or joint investment (house, RV, etc.), then engagement & marriage, then procreation. Following the Relationship Escalator is not mutually-exclusive with monogamy (and many ENM or poly people practice/desire a Relationship Escalator partnership), and it is not inherently a good or bad process but rather is a personal choice to each individual.

Relationship Landscape: The concept of all relationships contributing to a person’s vast “landscape.” Thought to be the opposite of the “Relationship Escalator.”

In the Relationship Landscape there is no higher and lower and there are no goal-oriented “steps” to take. This perspective offers a more flexible approach to relationship exploration and the directions of a relationship or series of relationships can vary.

Unicorn Hunting: when a male/female couple seeks a third for their relationship.

Often, the “unicorn” is a femme person. Unicorn hunting is often seen as unethical by many in the non-monogamous community because of the use of couple’s privilege and often exploits the bi- or pansexuality of the third.

Unlearning: A process in transitioning to a non-monogamous lifestyle where a person detangles implicit mono-typical/mono-normative ideas and beliefs around relationships.

There is a phase when adjusting to a non-monogamous lifestyle where a person will likely have to re-examine their implicit biases and beliefs about relationships and relationship structures. This phrase is used to depict the destruction of ownership-based ideologies, the Relationship Escalator, and other mono-typical beliefs as new ideals are integrated into a person’s relational lifestyle changes.

Veto Power: used by couples in primary partnerships. This is when a partner is allowed to forbid or block the other person from a particular connection.

The ethics of veto power are debatable. This falls into the couple’s privilege category because a partner is able to determine the fate of the other’s relationsihp with outside connections. This dynamic is typically only used in primary relationships in a hierarchical polyamorous setting.

This guide is actively updated with new terms and refined definitions. If you do not find a term on here, please send me an email and I will add it to the list!!