Art is the Process: A Look into the Healing Journey of an Art Therapy Student
For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently embarking on a Master’s degree in art therapy. The school I go to requires a LOT of work, both in regards to my classes, assignments, and clinical work, and with the amount of personal growth and deep reflection we are asked to do throughout our education. Being an art therapy student, that means we are asked to…
For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently embarking on a Master’s degree in art therapy. The school I go to requires a LOT of work, both in regards to my classes, assignments, and clinical work, and with the amount of personal growth and deep reflection we are asked to do throughout our education. Being an art therapy student, that means we are asked to constantly make response art (a practice of using art-making to process a specific experience or concept), and also engage in various art therapy directives that we might ask our future clients to use. The point being that we understand what we are asking of others.
Being a therapist as a lifestyle
They say the best therapists have therapists, and I wholeheartedly believe that. I also think that the best art therapists maintain a personal art practice, which may combine art therapy-type engagement with Self and other forms of artistic expression. While it’s been hard for me to maintain my non-art therapy professional painting practice, I have been dedicating time during grad school to explore new materials and forms of creative expression. Writing is one of those forms of expression for me, so this entry is more to highlight some of the pieces from my process I’ve been cultivating since starting this phase of life.
process-oriented artwork
‘Draw Your Breath’ art therapy group activity (2023)
The major difference between the work in this article and my professional artwork is the process. My professional work is meticulous and carefully planned out and executed. My process work is loose, sometimes based on a pre-meditated idea, but mostly based on the moment, what’s available, and what feels good or ‘right’ to work with.
This ‘Draw Your Breath’ image was the first time I experienced this activity. We were instructed to close our eyes and draw our breath, pass the sheet to the person on our right, and do the same. We did a few rounds of this, and everyone got their original sheets back. We were asked to pull out images/shapes/forms we saw in the scribbles.
I’ve continued doing this activity solo when I need to ground and regulate. On days where I’m feeling distracted at my clinical site, I would take a beat to do a breath drawing.
Art Journal entry (2023)
Another practice I’ve found incredibly useful for processing my own life and experiences is an art journal exercise, where I will write about something and then create art on top of it. Sometimes I get a flash of a visual idea while writing and go with that, other times (like the one shown here) I just go with what ‘feels’ good (physically, emotionally, etc.). As I write this piece I’m being reminded of how much I love this practice and how I need to be engaging in it way more frequently, especially when I’m feeling highly activated.
I’ve also found this particular activity helpful when I’m not sure exactly how to start making a piece of response or process art. Since my artistic background is in commercial fine art, I still often struggle with letting go and making art just for myself. It’s easy for me to get caught up in pressuring myself that every piece needs to be ‘good.’ The process of writing first helps loosen me up from that.
exploring different dialcets of artistic language
Western medical & liberation psychology views of ‘neurodivergence’ - handmade book (2023)
One of my favorite parts of the art therapy grad school experience has been how inspired I am to try different mediums and forms of expression. For my Adult Development class, which really was a class comparing the values of the Western medical model and liberation psychology, we were asked to create a book. Each page was based on the topic of the week, and we were to depict the Western medical view of the topic on the left, the liberation psychology view on the right, and discuss how we would integrate them in our practice in the middle. I chose a different medium for each page of the book, including a page of sewn buttons, glued beads, collage, and more.
‘Acknowledging What’s Here’ - clinical response art (2024)
As art therapists, we also explore the way different mediums elicit different facets of the creative process. Since starting grad school, I’ve grown to love watercolor and inks - the two areas of 2D media I always avoided. The quick and fluid properties of them entice me and have inspired me to learn how to let go.
A theme throughout my personal creative healing journey has been learning how to use artmaking to channel raw emotion. As a person living with PTSD, I struggle with dissociation and over-intellectualizing my emotional experiences. That’s why I write. That’s why my professional artwork has a refined and careful process. I am so used to distilling my creative experience, but I’ve also come to find that while that is somewhat of a strength, it is also one of my bigger shortcomings.
Blindfolded ‘affective’ tempera paint stick drawing (2024)
Vellum layer of blindfolded ‘affective’ image (2024)
As I move toward my final year of school, moving from the classroom to the clinic, I’ve been focusing a lot of my creative processing on this. My supervisor last year taught me an activity where we taped a large piece of paper to the table, I was blindfolded, and she handed me tempera paint sticks and asked me to channel my feelings into marks on the page. Letting go of aesthetics and directing intention, just emoting on the page. This is one of the most valuable tools I have learned, although also one of the hardest activities for me to stay engaged in. I will often set a timer for myself to see how long it takes before I notice myself shutting down from the emotional space. It’s about 5 minutes, maximum.
I’ve added to this practice by taking a piece of translucent vellum (a type of tracing paper) and taping it on top of the tempera piece. I will take a marker and draw/write on top of the page, which has served as a way to ground the experience and provide me context in case I revisit the piece. The two images here show a blindfolded tempera piece and the layered vellum. Sadly, my sharpie was almost dead in this session and it impacted the experience. It was a valuable lesson in making sure that all the materials available are properly working before diving into, or leading someone into, an experience like this.
Eco-art: nature as art material and subject
‘To Be Held’ - response art to wilderness therapy class (2023)
Probably the most significant portion of my creative journey through grad school has been the evolution of my process and identity as an emerging eco-art therapist. Through engaging with the creative process in new ways, through curiosity in exploring new media, I’ve opened myself up to what it means to work with nature in the creative process. This both refers to subject and material. The ‘To Be Held’ piece is still one of my favorites that I’ve created in grad school. During my Wilderness & Adventure Therapy class, I felt held by the trees and moss of the forest where we stayed. I was struggling with heartbreak, and the soil absorbed my tears. I felt loved and at home. I asked the land if I could take some moss and bark to add to my image, to use some berries for the ink, and she enthusiastically consented. To work with the more-than-human world in this way, to create art and meaning from and with nature, has brought a deeper sense of purpose and meaning to my own creative work and the work I want to facilitate for my clients.
Place bonding self portrait (2023)
This particular creative adventure started with my first Ecotherapy class, where we were asked to practice ‘place bonding’ throughout the semester. We were to visit our chosen place at least 3-4 times per week, at different times of day and during different weather conditions. I chose a spot in a local forest, and each visit I created a watercolor painting of the area from a different angle. At the end of my place bonding experience, I collected fallen branches and other materials to create a final art piece to reflect my experience. Place bonding gave me a practice of tuning in to the beings around me, and offered me a space to prioritize these relationships. I saw myself as part of the ecosystem, rather than a separate visitor. Hence, I created a self portrait out of Douglas Fir needles from the area. It has also been a fun and interesting process to watch the needles dry and change color, changing the way the piece looks over time - a reminder of the impermanence of all things.
Burnout buddy (2023)
This final piece was created during an open studio session facilitated by my cohort peers. We were asked to roam our beautiful campus and forage materials to create a burnout buddy. The process brought about a playful engagement with both the campus ecosystem, while also addressing the experience of burnout that is so pervasive in grad school. Bringing play and childlike joy into the creative process, while also fostering engagement with the more-than-human world has helped me find playful moments in everyday life. Creating burnout buddies out of easily foraged materials like Fir cones and rocks made the activity accessible, able to experience in a wide variety of locations.
In the end, a lot of my art therapy education has been a collection of learning new ways to heal myself through art-making, and thus building a repertoire of directives to use with clients on their healing journey. While it has been, and will continue to be, a tough journey of deep self reflection, I am so grateful for the way we are learning.
— Emily Lichtenberg
Re-learning Trust as Someone With C-PTSD
Trigger Warning: Discussing C-PTSD & trauma triggers from a firsthand perspective.
Trust is such an important facet of any healthy relationship – especially in relationships that practice Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). As I further my own practice in cultivating long-term partnerships while simultaneously retaining Relationship Anarchy ideals, I regularly come back to the concept of trust and how it fits in to various aspects of authentic relating.
Trigger Warning: Discussing C-PTSD & trauma triggers from a firsthand perspective.
Trust is such an important facet of any healthy relationship – especially in relationships that practice Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). As I further my own practice in cultivating long-term partnerships while simultaneously retaining Relationship Anarchy ideals, I regularly come back to the concept of trust and how it fits in to various aspects of authentic relating.
I find one of the hardest parts about building and maintaining healthy, lasting relationships is my hypervigilance around betrayal. Throughout my life I experienced “betrayal trauma,” which is specific trauma that is caused by another person, typically by someone we are close to. For me, it was a combination of growing up learning that trusting others was dangerous, and experiences in adulthood I had with deception and betrayal in close, intimate relationships.
These past traumas find their way into my system at various moments in my core partnership, sometimes triggered by an external circumstance, but often they show up unannounced, unwelcomed, and without context.
For me, this makes it hard to uphold the Relationship Anarchy Manifesto’s principle: “Trust is Better.”
What is Trust?
I decided to research how trauma affects one’s ability to trust, and provide strategies for navigating healing from relational trauma, learning to trust again, and re-building skills to branch trust outward.
I started by examining the definition of “trust,” and looked at some studies that focused on the relationship between one’s level of betrayal trauma and one’s ability to trust.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), trust can be defined as:
“(n) reliance on or confidence in the dependability of someone or something.”
APA defines trust further in a relational context as:
“…the confidence that a person or group of people has in the reliability of another person or group; specifically, it is the degree to which each party feels they can depend on the other party to do what they say they will do...”
I find it important to acknowledge that by this definition, trust does not refer to a person’s inherent goodness, but refers to the consistency of a person’s behavior patterns. For me, taking ethics out of the equation and focusing on behavior helps me navigate my own patterns and issues with trusting without a lot of self-judgment.
When Trust is Damaged
In a 2013 study at the University of Oregon, Gobin & Freyd examined how betrayal trauma might impact a person’s ability to trust in a “Trust Game” environment. In the Trust Game, participants were asked to transfer money to another person, in exchange for getting the same amount of money back. The recipient was actually a computer system which was programmed to return $1 regardless of the amount received. The study used self-report survey measures to gauge the participants’ general and relational trust, and the Trust Game task measured differences in choices between those with and without betrayal trauma.
The study found that the more severe the betrayal trauma was, the less likely a person was to report high measures of general or relational trust. The researchers were surprised to find that participants with high betrayal trauma were no less likely to participate in the Trust Game than the participants with low betrayal trauma.
Another 2018 study examined the relationship between trust and participants with PTSD, using a similar “Trust Game” set up. In this study, Bell et al. noticed that the participants who suffered from PTSD made lower-risk choices than the control group, but still made effort to participate, nonetheless.
These studies reflect aspects of my own experience as a person living with C-PTSD. I struggle to trust deeply, but my desire to try and build trust is also strong.
PTSD and Interpersonal Trauma
Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT), first coined by Jennifer Freyd in 1994, states that those who suffer from betrayal trauma are likely to dissociate from the trauma in order to preserve the relationship, usually for survival purposes. When betrayal trauma happens in childhood, usually with a caregiver, this dissociation is likely to affect adulthood relationship choices. Those with more severe childhood betrayal trauma are more likely to struggle with recognizing trustworthiness or -unworthiness in others. This causes the survivor to experience more trauma in adulthood.
As someone who lives with C-PTSD, trust is one of the hardest things for me to navigate. In earlier years, I struggled with trusting the right people. My sense of “safe” and “unsafe” were so skewed by years of adapting to dangerous environments that I continued choosing friends and partners who reflected this instability. This only led to more traumatic experiences.
When I finally decided to take my healing seriously, I allowed myself to recognize that I could not trust myself when it came to knowing who was healthy or not. I dedicated time to reflect on past friendships and relationships to find threads and signals I could have recognized earlier in getting to know them. I started paying attention to how my body reacted around certain cues and situations.
I came to the revelation that more times than not, my body knew the right choice about someone right away. It was my mind that stopped trusting my intuition. When I started intentionally listening to my gut reactions, I noticed that I started making better choices in friends and beloveds. Seeing this change in my community inspired me to feel safe enough to begin exploring deeper levels of trust with others again.
Rebuilding Trust
After “recalibrating my sensors,” I began developing loving, healthy relationships with trustworthy people. During this time, I discovered Relationship Anarchy and began internalizing it as a core part of my relating philosophy.
I started this practice with a Solo-Poly structure because I needed to focus on myself as “primary.” Even though I am now cohabiting with a partner, I still believe that I am my own first priority. Taking on this perspective, and living alone at the time, helped me learn how to trust and confide in myself, first.
This went well for a while, and I felt strong and secure in my ability to trust and love until I began cohabiting with my core partner. For me, cohabitation is a huge source of trauma triggers as my most traumatic events happened with people I lived with.
Although my core partner is an amazing and trustworthy person, my nervous system activated at the slightest things. This is one reason we have taken a “time out” on outer relationships, to stabilize and ground together without extra distraction or activation.
This experience is teaching me that trust has many layers. I can completely trust my partner to be transparent with me, to treat me with respect and love, however, I still struggle to fully trust that my home is stable and safe, now that I’m not in full control of that environment.
So, this is where my next area of trust focus is. Again, I am starting with myself – feeling safe in my space within the home, feeling safe within myself in our shared spaces, and feeling that this is *my* home, too. Only after fortifying myself, do I then lean into trust exercises about my partner.
Helpful Strategies to Re-learn Trust
Something I’m learning as I continue to deepen with my core partner is that rebuilding trust skills takes a lot of time and work. I must teach my nerves that I’m safe in my new home. Safety outside of aloneness is an unfamiliar sensation for me, so it takes constant reminding for myself, a lot of transparency, and co-regulation with my core partner.
Rebuilding trust after betrayal trauma requires community and safe space. Here is a list of things that help me during this process:
Guided Meditation – Tara Brach
Taking time to learn someone’s patterns (instead of decided to fully give or deny trust immediately)
Learning how to recognize and trust my intuition (for me, it’s a body feeling)
Learning how to reflect on where I have been right and wrong in trust-giving in the past WITHOUT JUDGMENT
Healthy co-regulation with my core partner and/or trusted friends/beloveds
Safe space to be transparent about feelings that are coming up for me in a moment
Ex: my bedroom is a safe space
Seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD/C-PTSD treatment
For me, EMDR therapy specifically
“Quieting” the environment by taking away extra factors that cause triggering
Listening to a 24/7 Meditation Music channel in the background can also help
Developing solo rituals that I enjoy to calm my nerves
Ex: taking a bath, drinking tea & reading a good book, etc.
Allowing my process to take its time (not rushing things)
Healthy co-regulation with my core partner or trusted friends helps me learn skills to internalize into self-regulation during moments of activation. Sometimes I find it helpful to think of myself as a friend or client that I’m giving advice to.
Hopefully some of these strategies and insights are helpful for you, or someone you love. Sending wishes to you all!
— written by Amelia Lichtenberg
Helpful Resources:
Relationship Anarchy Manifesto - Andie Nordgren
Betrayal Trauma Overview (wikipedia)
When Trust is Lost: The Impact of Interpersonal Trauma on Social Interactions
The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on the Tendency to Trust
Guided Meditations by Tara Brach
7 Ways to Help Regulate Your Nervous System When You are Stressed
Coming Back to Oneness
CW: C-PTSD mentioned
I had to take time away from non-monogamy in my relationship because my nervous system exploded. It was painful and threw me way off balance, but what was and is even harder for me is the identity crisis that went along with it. I allowed my ego to get attached to the identity of “spokesperson for Ethical Non-Monogamy,” or, as my core partner teasingly calls me, the “Non-Monogamy Expert,” but here I was, triggers flying everywhere, expressing jealousy and insecurity to the point where my core partner asked for us to be monogamous for the time being. It is embarrassing, and it has been hard for me to get back to writing on here because of this cognitive dissonance.
A Reflection on the Importance of the Relationship with Oneself
CW: Mentions of C-PTSD
Related and referenced resources are listed at the bottom of this page!
I had to take time away from non-monogamy in my relationship because my nervous system exploded. It was painful and threw me way off balance, but what was and is even harder for me is the identity crisis that went along with it. I allowed my ego to get attached to the identity of “spokesperson for Ethical Non-Monogamy,” or, as my core partner teasingly calls me, the “Non-Monogamy Expert,” but here I was, triggers flying everywhere, expressing jealousy and insecurity to the point where my core partner asked for us to be monogamous for the time being. It is embarrassing, and it has been hard for me to get back to writing on here because of this cognitive dissonance.
The last time I wrote an article on here I was just meeting my core partner, and thus I was still operating from a vastly different relational framework than I am today. I thought that I was past a lot of my triggers around possession, codependence and jealousy. Before I began building my partnership this was true, but only as far as I could interface with them in the Solo-Polyamorous (SoPo) framework I was operating from. For me, the vulnerability that comes with cohabitation is a very sensitive area where a lot of my trauma and triggers reside. As I grew into a partnership dynamic with my beloved, and as we grew closer and took steps toward cohabiting I noticed a lot of unresolved trauma and fears began to resurface.
The combination of moving into my partner’s house and him starting to explore a new connection for the first time in our relationship triggered powerful C-PTSD flashbacks and intense trauma responses. Despite obvious signs that my nervous system was on overdrive, I tried to push through and be supportive of his exploration. I wanted to be supportive of his exploration. I also felt that I had to be better than my triggers for anything I say on my platforms to be authentic or meaningful. The self-imposed pressure from this fed into my patterns of shaming and cruel self-speak over whether I was actually “good at non-monogamy,” and I questioned my genuine capacity for compersion. I wondered if the rigid morals of my Catholic upbringing were just too strong to unravel, and if this meant I had to rethink how I presented myself to the world.
Instead of taking time and space to hold myself with compassion during these intense shifts, I ended up hurting myself and the dynamics in my relationships because of my pride. Even when things finally settled down and we mutually decided to take a break from our other connections to focus on settling in together, I disregarded the opportunity to pause and reflect with curiosity and compassion. I began obsessing about making sure I would be ready quickly to go back to our non-monogamous dynamics, so that the next time my partner and his lover were together I could show everyone that I really could be compersionate. I had something to prove, and I had to prove it as soon as possible. This only led to more tension betwith my core partner and less inclination to get back to relating in a non-monogamous framework.
Eventually I hit a breaking point which forced me to finally take a step back from obsessing about how others viewed my relationships and identity. I started to see how I was relating with myself, instead. When I spoke with another beloved about the shifts happening in my core relationship, he calmly told me “nothing would make me happier than to see you take some time for yourself, so that you can reflect on the ways you want to relate with yourself first and foremost.” This struck me.
I began to dive deep into finding ways to rebuild my own sense of a secure self. I recognized that regardless of how many acts and declarations of love, care, and devotion my partner gave me, it is nearly impossible for me to wholeheartedly receive them if I am insecure in my relationship to myself. Amidst the embarrassment and obsessive thoughts, I found it incredibly difficult to remain still and content. I noticed my mind trying to force myself into being ready to try again. Unfortunately, this pushing backfired because my nervous system wasn’t ready yet. I find myself feeling so uncomfortable at the idea of being monogamous after spending so much time discussing RA in a non-monogamous setting, but I ultimately must recognize where my own limitations are now. After all, I’m only human, and that’s okay.
I read on Marie Thouin’s blog that compersion is difficult to cultivate when a person feels deeply insecure in themself or their relationship dynamics, when their mind or body aren’t well taken care of, and during stressful times. Moving in with my partner ignited my C-PTSD triggers around abandonment and home security, and I recognize that I was in full-on flashback mode throughout those initial weeks of the transition. Alongside stress around upcoming my grad school interview, and issues with work, it’s no wonder why I struggled to feel compersion or security in the newly evolving dynamics.
When I began allowing myself to accept where I was at in my process and remind myself that there’s no shame in my trauma history, I noticed that out of everyone involved in the situation I was the only one holding onto it. I was the only one deeming myself incapable of cohabiting and non-monogamy. Changing my focus to how I’m showing up for myself opened me up to see how overstimulated I was. I started to slow down, take time to rest, and lean into the monogamous “settling-in” period my partner requested. I began to uncover roots of where the shame around my identity confusion arose, and I started diving deeper into my EMDR treatment for my C-PTSD, rather than spend my therapy sessions crisis managing each triggering moment in my relationship.
Slowing down helped me realize that unless I can take care of myself and treat myself with kindness and care, it’s impossible for me to show up in any of my relationships (regardless of structure) the way I want to. As I write this reflection, there is still a part of me that is antsy to get back to non-monogamous relating, but slowly it’s becoming about my genuine excitement and passion for connection again, rather than my perfectionist obsessions. There is also a larger part of me that is grateful for this “settling in” time with my core, because my nervous system is still fragile and healing. I am beginning to recognize when I’m more likely to be activated, take appropriate steps to navigate those moments, and I’m learning new strategies to cope with the somatic responses each time.
Right now, the goal for me is to focus on the quality of my relationships regardless of their structure and to let go of positive/negative associates with monogamy and non-monogamy, respectively. I believe that until I truly let go of my attachments to either identity, I will find myself in this same struggle at some point again. The most important thing I’ve come to realize during this time is that regardless of what relationship style I’m actively engaged in I can still share my message about conscious relating and loving openly, the “pillars” of Relationship Anarchy", recognizing that it all starts with our relationship within.
— Written by Amelia Lichtenberg
Compersion as a Practice
Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.
All resources and studies referred to in this piece are located at the bottom of the page!
Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.
Due to my deep desire to enjoy my personal emotional landscape, to understand why I struggle in the areas I do, and to attempt to uncover the mysteries of my own struggles with jealousy and compersion, I began diving into my own research and self-exploration of this topic. I studied the Evolutionary Psychology (EP) definition of jealousy, and I researched the proposed functions of jealousy based on EP studies conducted over the last several decades. I explored how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) intersect the EP perspectives I read. I recognized that compersion was not necessarily difficult for me, but that the initial mixture of fear, anxiety, and “preparation for loss,” that I labeled as “jealousy,” was actually related to my post-trauma responses and was a symptom and expression of my own C-PTSD.
This revelation allowed me to view compersion with a wider lens. I do not believe that compersion is an “either/or” orientation with jealousy on the other side, but rather that compersion is an ongoing practice which can both assist in navigating alternative relationship structures and perspectives and help a person navigate their own inner/trauma healing journey.
So, how does one get from jealousy-flaring, deep trauma response patterns to joyfully compersionate? Well, there is not one set path, nor is there a “finish line,” to inner-growth and -healing, but there is a formula I found to be helpful along the way. First, it starts with understanding jealousy and a specific trauma response called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and how they interact. Only after we can understand or identify what we want to heal can we begin the mending process. That is where coming to view compersion as a practice instead of an emotional orientation becomes imperative.
The Evolutionary Functions of Jealousy:
During my reading I learned that jealousy serves as a survival emotion to maintain security within our important relationships. There is a distinct difference between jealousy and envy: envy tends to motivate a person toward acquiring what they are envious of for themselves. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:
Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are envious that they are enjoying their new relationship because you also want a fun, new romance. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to refine your dating app profiles and spend more time looking for a new lover for yourself.
The focus here is on that which is perceived to be lacking. With jealousy, however, the focus tends to be on the perception of access to a person, object, or idea (such as a relationship dynamic), and the response tends toward taking what is desired away from something or someone else. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:
Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are jealous because you believe they are more interested in the new relationship than in yours. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to change your behavior, change the relationship “rules,” or act in a way which pushes or manipulates your beloved to re-emphasizing your relationship.
See the difference?
I believe that what separates those who seem to be naturally inclined toward compersion from those of us who suffer from the visceral pangs of jealousy comes from a mindset difference, meaning that those who are naturally inclined toward compersion naturally have a different way of integrating the physiological trigger into how they respond.
Using Jealousy Triggers in a Healthy Way
While jealousy can be an undesired feeling, there is a healthy way to use and navigate through jealousy! I find it helpful to remember that our emotions can be used as tools to gain deeper insight into what is going on within us and within our existing relationships. Monitoring one’s jealousy triggers and reactions can be used to gauge unmet needs in oneself and one’s relationship dynamics. When these unmet needs are recognized they can be transparently communicated to a beloved.
In my experience, jealousy tends toward hardship when these unmet needs go unrecognized and uncommunicated. As with the example above, it seems the jealous party in this dynamic has an unmet need for connection or a specific type of affection. They choose to operate out of the survival instinct to “grab on” in a way which they believe will allow their need to become fulfilled. This choice can create resentment and lead to more distance in the relationship, whereas transparently communicating something along the lines of: “I feel like I am missing [unmet need], and I would like to know if we can talk about this,” allows the other person room into the conversation so that both parties can work together to meet each others’ needs in an authentic way.
While Radical Transparency is a simple practice, that does not mean it is inherently easy for everyone. In a world where more people are removed from in-person social interactions, people struggle to learn and cultivate healthy communication practices. This becomes more salient when amplified feelings and survival responses are activated.
Detangling Jealousy from a Trauma-Informed Lens
“Compersion” (concept sketch) (2020)
Consider your own psychosomatic experiences of jealousy. For me, my chest tightens, my heartbeat elevates, my breathing becomes labored. These are all symptoms of my fight/flight/freeze response as well. My physical responses to shifts in social dynamics with beloveds can actually induce a panic attack-like state in me.
Due to my own history of social-based C-PTSD and through my own inner work both as a psychology student and in my personal therapy practice, I learned that I suffer from a condition called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and that this distorts how I view certain moments in my relationships with others. Essentially, this means that I am hyper-sensitive to potential rejection triggers from people around me, and I often times misperceive shifts in my relationship landscapes as rejection.
In my experience, RSD presents itself as a survival strategy which emerges specifically in response due to trauma inflicted by others. I believe that often times emotional responses which are perceived as jealousy are actually moments of RSD activation. I genuinely want my beloveds to feel supported in their explorations of other connections, but I also want to make sure that I will not be abandoned in the process.
This fear and anticipation of abandonment is where my own C-PTSD and RSD intersect.
Using Compersion as a Framework for Self-Regulation
For me, RSD is prevalent in my non-monogamous relationships because of the continued potential rejection triggers that my beloved’s other beloveds can present for me. I notice this tends to be an especially sensitive area within non-hierarchical philosophies like Relationship Anarchy (RA) because of the emphasis on personal freedom, flexible arrangements, and the acknowledgement that change is inevitable.
For me the anxiety and fear of rejection and abandonment stems from a difficulty to navigate these types of changes rather than because of a desire for “exclusivity” or hierarchy with another. I firmly believe in and live by the principles of RA, however, I also recognize that the abuse and maltreatment I have experienced in the past shapes my present-day filters.
A large reason why I practice RA, and why I believe it to be beneficial for people with RSD and other psychosocial trauma filters, is that I am regularly confronted with these fears and triggers. Each time I am faced with a shift in my relationships is an opportunity for me to see where I am in my own healing process, where I need to focus my attention, and also I am able to see how my beloveds continue to show up for me in my process (this informs my own choices in moving forward with various connections).
While straightforward “exposure therapy” does not work for every person, I find that confronting my deepest fears head on helps me see the reality of their size in contrast to how big and scary they seem in my anxiety-ridden fantasies.
Experiencing RSD activation in the face of changing relationship dynamics or introductions of new metamours does not mean a person is inherently oriented toward jealousy, that they are “bad at compersion,” or that they lack the ability to be compersionate. It means that the activated person may have experienced social-based trauma and need trauma-informed navigation for these kinds of adjustments. A little extra practice in Radical Transparency can go a long way in these moments!
When I face these fears and triggers I use these as opportunities to refine my own compersion practice. This does not mean I force myself to feel or react a certain way. Rather than perceiving a trigger as something to avoid, I choose to view these moments as opportunities for deeper self-exploration. I use the idea of compersion as my framework for how I want to guide my self-growth within a moment of activation. I want to be excited for my beloved, I want to celebrate and support shared freedom and autonomy. When I feel out of alignment with my compersion framework, I take the opportunity to lean in with curiosity. It is through these instances that I am able to continuously gauge and assess where I am at in my self-regulation, how I am really doing in my trauma healing process, and discover areas within myself that still need attention and care.
For me, compersion is akin to an aspect of the Buddha-nature: all-loving, and all-accepting. Similarly to the Buddha-nature, compersion is not something I can maintain all the time. Rather than give up or claim that I am “just not wired that way,” I work to remember what being in compersion feels like, and bring myself back to that space with as much patience, grace, and self-compassion as I can.
It is the combination of my intrinsic choice to engage in a growth mindset around my personal healing and the cultivation of safe, trusting, and respectful relationships with beloveds and friends who freely choose to support my process that allows me to participate in RA in this way, and use various moments of change to explore, detangle. and integrate the sources of my own activated responses.
Check out my Guided Meditation for Contacting the Wounded Inner Child to help build healthy inner curiosity & dialogue.
I deeply wish to give those I care for the same liberation which I ask them for, and sometimes my own struggles with RSD present challenges to this genuine desire. I believe many people who suffer from RSD struggle with this same cognitive dissonance, which can become increasingly more difficult if a person is also faced with detangling societal expectations— such as mono-normative relationship structures. There can be so much shame around struggling with non-monogamous relationship structures for many reasons, and especially for people with trauma this sense of shame around intricate navigation can be very tender.
If you, the reader, are someone who struggles with RSD:
A helpful practice can be to name this to your beloved. Often times naming a feeling or experience diffuses its intensity. This can open a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust-building with your beloved, which can result in more compassionate connection and fortifying the healing aspects of your relationship container. Remember that you did not ask to experience RSD, and that your trauma and trauma responses are not your fault. They are, however, your responsibility to work through.
Remember that your beloveds are freely choosing to connect with you because they love and care for you, and they likely want to participate in supporting you along your healing journey however best they can. Radically transparent communication is imperative in times like these, from both ends. You can practice NVC as a structure to use when expressing wants and needs amidst an activated state.
If you, the reader, are someone whose beloved struggles with RSD:
I encourage you to read more about RSD (resources are at the bottom of this article) and become trauma-informed in your speech. Do not pathologize your beloved; educate yourself so that you can deepen your own compassionate communication with them. Trauma survivors struggle to remain balanced when activated, and the non-judgmental help of our beloveds can ease these moments of re-triggering.
Often the most important thing a beloved can do is be patient and accepting of whatever is coming up for the activated individual, not take the response personally, and not make assumptions about the individual’s ideologies or psycho-emotional capacities based on the moment of response. NVC is a great communication tool to use when attempting to communicate authentically with someone who is trauma-activated or when they have come back to a balanced state.
For me, compersion is akin to the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s the ideal which I strive for, and it’s the conclusion I wish all my interactions to end with. Having this goal in mind helps me take steps towards cultivating a deeper practice and greater capacity for its presence, even when I find myself struggling to engage with compersion in a particular moment.
- written by Emily Lichtenberg
Resource List:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Brain Pickings: Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
Psychology Today: What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Psychology Today: How RSD Derails Relationships
WebMD: What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Love is the Action: A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language
Psychology Today: Cultivating Compersion: The Magic of Feeling Joy for Others
Curious Fox: Compersion is a Choice
Jose C. Yong, Norman P. Li: The Adaptive Functions of Jealousy (from “The Function of Emotions”)
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, Baland Jalal: The Evolutionary Psychology of Envy and Jealousy
A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language & Resources
This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.
Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!
This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.
Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!
As of June 25, 2021 this guide is very incomplete and is regularly updated with new terms and refined definitions.
Activated/Activation: being in an intense physical/mental state of trauma response. Also referred to as being “triggered.” These states usually consist of constriction within the body, elevated heart rate and breathing, as well as amplified, tense emotional energy such as stress responses, fear, anger, anxiety and more.
Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT): introduced by Jennifer Freyd in 1994. Betrayal trauma is defined as trauma inflicted upon a person by someone whom they are close with and reliant on for support and survival.
Often discussed in the context of childhood trauma. Survivors of betrayal trauma dissociate from the trauma in order to preserve the relationship with the abuser for survival purposes. This is likely to impact one’s ability to affect a person’s ability to trust or make healthy decisions about the trustworthiness of others as an adult.
C-PTSD: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
C-PTSD differs from standard PTSD in that there are multiple incidents of trauma which morph together to create complex responses. Often it is difficult to differentiate which trauma is activated by a particular trigger, and C-PTSD is harder to diagnose and treat than standard PTSD.
Fawning: a slightly different stress response than Fight/Flight/Freeze that also serves as a reaction to danger. Similar physiological symptoms occur, however, the response is to attempt appeasement.
I chose to put fawning in its own category because this response tends to be learned through socialization and/or traumatic life experiences moreso than Fight/Flight/Freeze (which are more autonomic by nature). While fawning does share similar physiological symptoms to the other three F’s, the development of this behavior is different, and it is the only response which specifically utilizes human’s social nature for its effects.
Fight/Flight/Freeze: a stress response that serves as the body’s natural reaction to danger. All of these share similar physiological symptoms and serve as an active defense response to threats.
Fight: the fight response is when the body’s immediate response to danger is to gear up to fight a threat.
Flight: the flight response is when the body’s immediate response is to run away from a threat
Freeze: the freeze response is when the body’s immediate response is to neither run, nor fight, but remain alertly still and ready to spring into action.
More information on the Fight/Flight/Freeze physiological symptoms and purposes.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): a psychological disorder which can develop after a person experiences a shocking, terrifying, or dangerous event. This disorder is characterized by a person regularly re-experiencing the traumatic event, and this is indicated by an immediate fight/flight/freeze response to a person, place, object, or event which can serve as a “trigger.”
For more information about PTSD signs and symptoms, click here.
Radical Acceptance: The practice of surrendering a desire for control, and a practice of accepting that which we cannot change with a peaceful mind, open heart, and sense of deep compassion.
This term was coined by Tara Brach, and it is an integral part of her work and practice. I have adopted this term into my own personal and professional practice as it beautifully encapsulates what RA is about and the practice often needed to work through serious trauma-induced belief and thought patterns.
Please read Tara’s in-depth article about Radical Acceptance here.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): A relatively new term to describe a condition in which an individual struggles with rejection, criticism, and the fear of rejection to a debilitating point.
Self-Regulation: The process of healthily navigating one’s biopsychosocial ups and downs (“swings”).
Self-regulation consists of various tools and methodologies one uses to handle their internal swings. This blanket term encompasses emotional regulation, psychological (thought pattern) regulation, and somatic regulation.
Somatic Awareness: One’s awareness of how the body responds to mental and/or emotional experiences.
The body carries responses to our mental and emotional experiences, even when we are not aware of it. Somatic awareness is an important concept in trauma-informed practice and discussion as often times traumatized individuals have a disconnect from their body (this includes the nervous system). Re-connecting oneself with the body and developing an understanding of how it responds to mental/emotional strain can help facilitate de-escalation and help refine self-regulation strategies.
Trigger: A topic, behavior, subject or circumstance which acts as a prompt for trauma re-activation.
Triggers are different for every individual based on their experiences. It is important to be aware of our own triggers as well as retain a sense of mindfulness around the triggers our beloveds may have. Due to the stigma that can be associated with this word, I interchange this with “prompt.”
This guide is frequently updated with new terms and refined definitions! If there is a term you do not see on this guide and would like it to be added, or if you have any questions regarding these terms please contact me.