Burnouts leading to Breakups: Getting Caught in the Web of Dysregulation
The past few months have been such a struggle for me: moving, full-time grad school, full-time job, complicated relationship dynamics. It’s no wonder I found myself caught in a web of dysregulation. My dysfunction looks like social over-functioning, losing control of my filters, and feeling like it’s impossible to slow down. When I get into this state it can have some harsh impacts on my relationships with others, and recently it has….
The past few months have been such a struggle for me: moving, full-time grad school, full-time job, complicated relationship dynamics. It’s no wonder I found myself caught in a web of dysregulation. My dysfunction looks like social over-functioning, losing control of my filters, and feeling like it’s impossible to slow down. When I get into this state it can have some harsh impacts on my relationships with others, and recently it has.
I use writing these blog posts as one strategy of processing my experiences. I am someone who thinks and communicates much more clearly through written word than verbal, even with myself. I’ve been struggling to write about my experiences over the last year because I hold expectations around what I ‘should’ be writing about, how my personal commentary about Relationship Anarchy and authentic relating ‘should’ come across, and what sort of vibe I ‘ought’ to portray for those reading. Also, this has been a very confusing time for me with the start of grad school and the way my program asks me to deeply reflect on and question myself all the time.
This piece is a little different. This time, I’m not here to give advice or insight. I’m here to share an experience where my cycle of over-functioning gifted me with hard lessons to sit with. This piece is a reflection of me sitting with these lessons.
I’m exposing myself for the flawed individual that I am. I don’t have it all together, and this process isn’t complete… but then again, is it ever?
What happened?
I lost my sense of intention in important relationships, and I took my beloveds for granted. I leaned on them for more support than I leaned on myself for, and essentially asked them to bear the weight of my stress and anxiety with me. I especially did this to my core partner. I didn’t mean to do this. It happened because I found myself activated from old trauma, struggling with a lot of big adjustments (as a neurodiverse person who struggles with the smallest adjustment), and I forgot to take moments to breathe and check in with myself.
Essentially, I hit severe burnout, and I stayed there for about 2 months.
This looked like me falling into reactive patterns regarding a metamour, expressing self-negativity, bringing my partners into the fold of my mental back-and-forth between my desire to be in ethically non-monogamous, intentional relationships and retreating to monogamy out of fear, insecurity, and activation. It looked like me calling my core partner almost daily to process my stress when they had other things going on. It looked like me using them as a distraction from sitting with my own discomfort and addressing my burnout.
What a mess, right?
I try to hold myself with some compassion around this, though. When school and work lives demand so much intense output, it’s hard to shut one’s brain off in personal time. When there’s no personal time, it’s hard to process and re-regulate before interfacing with others. This cycle put strain on my core partner to the point where a rift formed. They chose to take back space for themself, and I don’t blame them for their choice.
“Don’t Forget Me After the Sun Sets” 2018
I’m grieving so much from this turn of events. Not only the loss of a beautiful relationship that had so much potential, but to see in hindsight all the ways I could’ve made a different choice. Instead of jumping into reactivity, I could’ve taken a moment to slow down and use mindfulness to re-contextualize the situation. I could’ve asked for more time to process something. I could’ve been writing for Love is the Action and reminding myself of all that I believe in relationally through that simple practice.
How to move forward?
The consequences are hard to sit with. The lessons are humbling. What I find the hardest part of this all is to accept myself for all of these choices I made with deep love, compassion, and understanding. Whenever I am in conflict, I try my best to learn from my mistakes and grow. I reframe the situation in a way that allows me to foster acceptance and gratitude. This time it has been really hard.
Instead of saying to myself: “I regret every time I made a sarcastic comment about waiting for them to leave me,” (which, let’s be real, I totally do regret), I’m trying to say “I am grateful for this deep lesson the consequences of my choice is gifting me.” Instead of falling victim to the stress of my life, I’m using this experience as a wake-up call to shift things around and create more space and time for myself and for spontaneity in my life, something which I’ve learned is extremely important for my mental health.
I’m also recognizing that I’m at a place in my life where things are just harder. I’m putting myself through a rigorous grad school program that demands a lot of introspective and creative reflection and output. I am also working to support myself through it. It makes sense why I’d get caught in the web of my dysfunction, and it’s okay that I did.
It doesn’t make the grief and loss easier, but I am so glad for all the lessons that came from this. The ways to gauge myself and my regulatory state, new ways of communicating boundaries with myself and others, learning what’s important to me and what my personal needs are while being a grad student. This experience finally helped me solidify the morning routine I’ve been trying to nail down for years. These lessons will all serve me greatly when I become an eco-art therapist.
“Pervading Loveliness & Exquisite Jubilation” 2020
The loss of my core partner means I gain opportunities to practice radical self-reliance. As much as I will miss the beauty of our walks and spontaneous trips to go stargazing, and as much as I grieve for all the plans we made that may not ever come to fruition, I also know that these are still things that I enjoy as an individual. I can continue to enjoy walks, stopping to smell the roses, and talking to all the plants in the old growth forest on my own. The sense of freedom and empowerment that comes from this is so deep, and now when I go to do these things, I will think of them and the ways they re-sparked so many things for me in our time together … and who knows? Maybe someday we will be able to do all these things together again, in whatever context makes sense.
I will hold the lessons with deep gratitude and humility, and vow to never forget them so that next time I cross paths with a connection as rare and valuable as the one I just lost, I will not take it for granted regardless of how crazy my life becomes. Thank you so much, beloved, for the beauty you’ve brought to my life in so many ways.
Thank you for reading.
— Emily Lichtenberg
Existential-Humanism, the RA Counseling Theory
As I’m wrapping up my final few weeks of my first semester of graduate school, I wanted to write a reflection on what I’ve been learning. In my program, our first year is focused on finding our counseling theoretical orientation. Existential-Humanism (EH) is the one that has really lit my fire…
As I’m wrapping up my final few weeks of my first semester of graduate school, I wanted to write a reflection on what I’ve been learning. In my program, our first year is focused on finding our counseling theoretical orientation. Existential-Humanism (EH) is the one that has really lit my fire.
What I love about EH art therapy (EHAT) so much is how well it blends with my pre-existing Relationship Anarchy (RA)- inspired worldview and the Intentional Peer Support (IPS) model I use at work. As part of my final project for my Theories of Counseling course, I decided to write a piece about these intersections.
From Existential Philosophy to Existential Psychotherapy
EH pulls from existential philosophy for its theoretical underpinnings. Specifically, it works with existential phenomenology and considers its historical pioneers to be philosophers such as Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and Heidegger. From my understanding, EH draws predominantly from the ideas of Kierkegaard and Heidegger as its foundation. Kierkegaard believed that angst, or anxiety and dread, was imperative for becoming fully human, and Heidegger believed that living a meaningful and authentic life was the best way for someone to cope with their angst (Story, 2007).
Existential psychotherapy was born from existential philosophy, largely due to the work of Frankl, May, Bugenthal, and Yalom (Story, 2007). Each of these psychotherapists played a significant role in developing the Existential psychotherapy model.
Both existential psychotherapy and EH share an assumption that there are 4 universal concerns of life:
“Alone” (2022)
1. Death – angst is a natural part of being aware of our mortality
2. Meaninglessness – life is without meaning until we give it meaning
3. Isolation – we are, in the existential sense, always alone
4. Freedom – the weight of our freedom can create angst
What sets EH apart from existential philosophy/psychotherapy is the added assumption that people are capable of healing and knowing themselves (Moon, 2009; Story, 2007).
The reason I think EH and RA work so well together is because of the strong emphasis on each person finding the meaning of their own life. Through this process of finding meaning, a person can heal and know themselves. When I think about the self-reflection that goes into an RA lifestyle, it feels like a similar process. Finding meaning for one’s life is like identifying one’s core relationship values.
Finding Meaning Through Adversity
“Liberation” (2020)
EH is largely influenced by the work of Viktor Frankl, who is someone I greatly admire. A Holocaust survivor, Frankl created a school of therapy based off his experiences in the concentration camps, called logotherapy. ‘Logotherapy’ means ‘therapy through meaning,’ and operates from the assumption that finding meaning in one’s life and through one’s struggles is the path to freedom (Frankl, 1962). From my own experiences of growth-through-adversity, I find this worldview deeply moving.
My values and RA-lifestyle are a result of my own process of finding meaning through adversity. Wanting a life filled with authentic connections and intentional relationships came from painful experiences of trying to fit in the status quo and getting burned. Having experienced what it’s like to be disregarded and unseen is what motivates me to do my best to see and regard others in their authentic truth.
‘Finding meaning’ is like the final task of IPS, ‘moving toward.’ After the other tasks of ‘connection,’ ‘worldview,’ and ‘mutuality’ have been explored, a person is encouraged to find what they’re moving towards. This approach emphasizes the need to look forward at what is next, rather than looking backward or ‘away’ from. An example would be instead of saying ‘I want to stop being lazy,’ saying, ‘I want to be more productive.’
The Therapeutic Alliance – Authentic Connection
Bruce Moon, a prominent existential art therapist, uses logotherapy as the foundation for his work and expands upon it with creative action. Something I admire about his therapeutic style is how seemingly hands-off he is. His sessions are organic and fluid. There is no agenda for his clients, and he is a mutual participant in the exchange. In his book Existential Art Therapy: The Canvas Mirror (3rd ed.), he uses several case studies to describe the chapter concepts. He talks about 3 ways to be genuinely attentive with clients: (1) doing with, (2) being open to, and (3) honoring pain.
Doing With
When Moon (2009) talks about how he participates in his art therapy sessions, it sounds like how I hope to conduct mine. He stresses the importance of the art therapist maintaining their own artistic practice, and modeling therapeutic art-making from the moment the client walks into the studio. He often works on his own projects during sessions and invites conversation about his work.
I believe that it’s unethical to ask someone to do something we aren’t willing to do ourselves. The best leaders and guides are those who have gone through the depths of themselves; they are people who pull from their own experiences to provide insight and wisdom to another.
In ‘Relationships are Like Gardens,” relationships are likened to the process of creating and maintaining a garden. We are responsible for tending our own garden and if working in a community garden bed, we work alongside other gardeners. We ask what they’re planting, how their bed is developing and share our experience. We don’t tell them what to plant or how to plant it, and if someone asks our advice, we pull from our experiences of past seasons. Honoring autonomy like this is how I advocate for folks to engage with their relationships, it is how I approach my consultation and peer-support work, and this is the type of therapeutic alliance I plan to model in my practice.
Within the EH model is the belief that meaning and healing can only be found in relationship with others. This truth constantly reveals itself to me with my own struggles, and when I’m engaged with callers on the peer-support line I work with. I hear so many stories about folks feeling ‘stuck’ until a particular call or interaction with another person. Connection brings growth and can guide change or new perspective.
Being Open
Moon’s openness with his clients about the meaning and experience of his own artwork is the kind of Radical Transparency I discuss when writing about RA. I believe a professionally appropriate amount of self-disclosure is imperative to the therapeutic alliance between client and counselor, and I try to embody this in my relationship consultation and peer-support work.
In these relationship dynamics there is always a power differential. Even in my peer-support work, although the IPS model holds ‘mutuality’ as one of its 4 tasks, I am still in the paid position and am the one with the training. Being radically transparent about these dynamics is the first step toward establishing mutuality. In the art therapy setting, following the ‘seldom initiate, always respond’ model can help find balance between sharing too much and too little and allows the client to lead the discussion.
Moon (2009) says that the success of the client’s journey ultimately depends on their willingness to share their story with the counselor. By being open and responding to, the counselor allows space for the client to grow in trust. By allowing for self-disclosure, the power-differential becomes less-so. This model provides non-judgmental acceptance and honors the client’s autonomous self by avoiding agendas.
Honoring Pain
“The Patriarchy Has Major Side Effects” (2021)
I think this may be the most important of the three ways to reach authentic connection in EH. Suffering is a universal experience among humans, although it looks and feels different for each person. Those who’ve experienced significant pain (and healed from it) tend to be the most empathetic toward others’ suffering. In order to truly honor another’s pain, one must honor their own pain first.
IPS talks about ‘sitting with the discomfort’ when providing support. This means that when someone comes to us with their pain, we don’t try to diminish it or fix it. We sit with them in it. Moon (2009) talks about a similar process in EHAT, saying that less pain is a side effect of therapy, not the goal. Instead of trying to make the client feel better, the art therapist’s task is to help them understand their pain and discover the meanings of their suffering.
My ‘Theories of Counseling’ professor is an EH therapist. When discussing this part of the process, he said: “I can’t take your pain away, but I’m here with you every step through it,” (J. Rock, existential-humanism, October 18, 2022). To me, this is compassion in its highest form and is what I strive to embody in every relationship I have.
I think about the sometimes-uncomfortable space when honoring another’s autonomy and honoring my boundaries may cause conflict. In rule-based relationship structures, one might hold another accountable for solving their discomfort by forcing them into action or inaction. In RA, each person is held accountable for their feelings, and action falls on each person to do what they need for their wellness and safety in a way that doesn’t impede another’s autonomy. Sometimes that means changing relationship agreements, sometimes it means changing an internal belief. Similarly, in EHAT, the therapist doesn’t take on the client’s pain, but sits with them while they work through it themselves.
EHAT Across Cultures
One of the most beautiful things about EHAT is how adaptable it is across various cultures. Something I’ve noticed in my studies is how most counseling theories are difficult to adapt outside the Western-European ideology.
Although EHAT originates from the ideas of Western-European, cishet men, the open-ended views of this perspective encourage adaptation from other backgrounds. Across different cultures who use EH/EHAT, the methods look very different, but the core beliefs are still the same. There is not one right way to ‘be with’ a client, just as there’s not one specific definition of what ‘suffering’ is or what the meaning of one’s suffering is meant to look like. Embedded in this theory is the idea that everyone must decide these details for themselves.
This may sound very individualistic, and in some ways because of its Western-European roots I think it does, but the emphasis on growth through relationship with others opens these ideas up to collectivist interpretations. EHAT is about the process rather than the techniques, making it very open for adaptation (Story, 2007).
Translating EHAT into my RA work feels like a seamless process given these intersections between the two worldviews. For me, RA is based in Radical Transparency, Radical Acceptance, honoring autonomy, authentic relating, and personal accountability. EHAT bolsters these beliefs by emphasizing mutuality and authenticity in the therapeutic alliance.
EHAT encourages a client-led practice where the therapist responds more than they initiate; the therapist is there to facilitate a process, not implement a program or series of techniques. The word ‘existential,’ can make this orientation seem unappealing to some, but I find it to be the most natural therapeutic orientation I’ve learned about so far.
Helpful Resources:
Frankl, V. E. (1962). Man’s Search for Meaning: An Introduction to Logotherapy. Boston: Beacon Press.
Mikayla. (2018, September 11). Relationships are like gardens. Medium. https://medium.com/@mmmikayla/relationships-can-be-like-gardens-98827d8dfdfa
Moon, B. L. (2009). Existential Art Therapy: The Canvas Mirror (3rd. ed.). C. C. Thomas.
Story, M. L. (2007). Existential art therapy. Canadian Art Therapy Association Journal, 20(2), 22-34. https://doi.org/10.1080/08322473.2007.11434771
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Intentional Peer Support (IPS) official website
The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy — Andie Nordgren
— written by Emily Lichtenberg
Re-learning Trust as Someone With C-PTSD
Trigger Warning: Discussing C-PTSD & trauma triggers from a firsthand perspective.
Trust is such an important facet of any healthy relationship – especially in relationships that practice Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). As I further my own practice in cultivating long-term partnerships while simultaneously retaining Relationship Anarchy ideals, I regularly come back to the concept of trust and how it fits in to various aspects of authentic relating.
Trigger Warning: Discussing C-PTSD & trauma triggers from a firsthand perspective.
Trust is such an important facet of any healthy relationship – especially in relationships that practice Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). As I further my own practice in cultivating long-term partnerships while simultaneously retaining Relationship Anarchy ideals, I regularly come back to the concept of trust and how it fits in to various aspects of authentic relating.
I find one of the hardest parts about building and maintaining healthy, lasting relationships is my hypervigilance around betrayal. Throughout my life I experienced “betrayal trauma,” which is specific trauma that is caused by another person, typically by someone we are close to. For me, it was a combination of growing up learning that trusting others was dangerous, and experiences in adulthood I had with deception and betrayal in close, intimate relationships.
These past traumas find their way into my system at various moments in my core partnership, sometimes triggered by an external circumstance, but often they show up unannounced, unwelcomed, and without context.
For me, this makes it hard to uphold the Relationship Anarchy Manifesto’s principle: “Trust is Better.”
What is Trust?
I decided to research how trauma affects one’s ability to trust, and provide strategies for navigating healing from relational trauma, learning to trust again, and re-building skills to branch trust outward.
I started by examining the definition of “trust,” and looked at some studies that focused on the relationship between one’s level of betrayal trauma and one’s ability to trust.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), trust can be defined as:
“(n) reliance on or confidence in the dependability of someone or something.”
APA defines trust further in a relational context as:
“…the confidence that a person or group of people has in the reliability of another person or group; specifically, it is the degree to which each party feels they can depend on the other party to do what they say they will do...”
I find it important to acknowledge that by this definition, trust does not refer to a person’s inherent goodness, but refers to the consistency of a person’s behavior patterns. For me, taking ethics out of the equation and focusing on behavior helps me navigate my own patterns and issues with trusting without a lot of self-judgment.
When Trust is Damaged
In a 2013 study at the University of Oregon, Gobin & Freyd examined how betrayal trauma might impact a person’s ability to trust in a “Trust Game” environment. In the Trust Game, participants were asked to transfer money to another person, in exchange for getting the same amount of money back. The recipient was actually a computer system which was programmed to return $1 regardless of the amount received. The study used self-report survey measures to gauge the participants’ general and relational trust, and the Trust Game task measured differences in choices between those with and without betrayal trauma.
The study found that the more severe the betrayal trauma was, the less likely a person was to report high measures of general or relational trust. The researchers were surprised to find that participants with high betrayal trauma were no less likely to participate in the Trust Game than the participants with low betrayal trauma.
Another 2018 study examined the relationship between trust and participants with PTSD, using a similar “Trust Game” set up. In this study, Bell et al. noticed that the participants who suffered from PTSD made lower-risk choices than the control group, but still made effort to participate, nonetheless.
These studies reflect aspects of my own experience as a person living with C-PTSD. I struggle to trust deeply, but my desire to try and build trust is also strong.
PTSD and Interpersonal Trauma
Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT), first coined by Jennifer Freyd in 1994, states that those who suffer from betrayal trauma are likely to dissociate from the trauma in order to preserve the relationship, usually for survival purposes. When betrayal trauma happens in childhood, usually with a caregiver, this dissociation is likely to affect adulthood relationship choices. Those with more severe childhood betrayal trauma are more likely to struggle with recognizing trustworthiness or -unworthiness in others. This causes the survivor to experience more trauma in adulthood.
As someone who lives with C-PTSD, trust is one of the hardest things for me to navigate. In earlier years, I struggled with trusting the right people. My sense of “safe” and “unsafe” were so skewed by years of adapting to dangerous environments that I continued choosing friends and partners who reflected this instability. This only led to more traumatic experiences.
When I finally decided to take my healing seriously, I allowed myself to recognize that I could not trust myself when it came to knowing who was healthy or not. I dedicated time to reflect on past friendships and relationships to find threads and signals I could have recognized earlier in getting to know them. I started paying attention to how my body reacted around certain cues and situations.
I came to the revelation that more times than not, my body knew the right choice about someone right away. It was my mind that stopped trusting my intuition. When I started intentionally listening to my gut reactions, I noticed that I started making better choices in friends and beloveds. Seeing this change in my community inspired me to feel safe enough to begin exploring deeper levels of trust with others again.
Rebuilding Trust
After “recalibrating my sensors,” I began developing loving, healthy relationships with trustworthy people. During this time, I discovered Relationship Anarchy and began internalizing it as a core part of my relating philosophy.
I started this practice with a Solo-Poly structure because I needed to focus on myself as “primary.” Even though I am now cohabiting with a partner, I still believe that I am my own first priority. Taking on this perspective, and living alone at the time, helped me learn how to trust and confide in myself, first.
This went well for a while, and I felt strong and secure in my ability to trust and love until I began cohabiting with my core partner. For me, cohabitation is a huge source of trauma triggers as my most traumatic events happened with people I lived with.
Although my core partner is an amazing and trustworthy person, my nervous system activated at the slightest things. This is one reason we have taken a “time out” on outer relationships, to stabilize and ground together without extra distraction or activation.
This experience is teaching me that trust has many layers. I can completely trust my partner to be transparent with me, to treat me with respect and love, however, I still struggle to fully trust that my home is stable and safe, now that I’m not in full control of that environment.
So, this is where my next area of trust focus is. Again, I am starting with myself – feeling safe in my space within the home, feeling safe within myself in our shared spaces, and feeling that this is *my* home, too. Only after fortifying myself, do I then lean into trust exercises about my partner.
Helpful Strategies to Re-learn Trust
Something I’m learning as I continue to deepen with my core partner is that rebuilding trust skills takes a lot of time and work. I must teach my nerves that I’m safe in my new home. Safety outside of aloneness is an unfamiliar sensation for me, so it takes constant reminding for myself, a lot of transparency, and co-regulation with my core partner.
Rebuilding trust after betrayal trauma requires community and safe space. Here is a list of things that help me during this process:
Guided Meditation – Tara Brach
Taking time to learn someone’s patterns (instead of decided to fully give or deny trust immediately)
Learning how to recognize and trust my intuition (for me, it’s a body feeling)
Learning how to reflect on where I have been right and wrong in trust-giving in the past WITHOUT JUDGMENT
Healthy co-regulation with my core partner and/or trusted friends/beloveds
Safe space to be transparent about feelings that are coming up for me in a moment
Ex: my bedroom is a safe space
Seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD/C-PTSD treatment
For me, EMDR therapy specifically
“Quieting” the environment by taking away extra factors that cause triggering
Listening to a 24/7 Meditation Music channel in the background can also help
Developing solo rituals that I enjoy to calm my nerves
Ex: taking a bath, drinking tea & reading a good book, etc.
Allowing my process to take its time (not rushing things)
Healthy co-regulation with my core partner or trusted friends helps me learn skills to internalize into self-regulation during moments of activation. Sometimes I find it helpful to think of myself as a friend or client that I’m giving advice to.
Hopefully some of these strategies and insights are helpful for you, or someone you love. Sending wishes to you all!
— written by Amelia Lichtenberg
Helpful Resources:
Relationship Anarchy Manifesto - Andie Nordgren
Betrayal Trauma Overview (wikipedia)
When Trust is Lost: The Impact of Interpersonal Trauma on Social Interactions
The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on the Tendency to Trust
Guided Meditations by Tara Brach
7 Ways to Help Regulate Your Nervous System When You are Stressed
Compersion as a Practice
Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.
All resources and studies referred to in this piece are located at the bottom of the page!
Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.
Due to my deep desire to enjoy my personal emotional landscape, to understand why I struggle in the areas I do, and to attempt to uncover the mysteries of my own struggles with jealousy and compersion, I began diving into my own research and self-exploration of this topic. I studied the Evolutionary Psychology (EP) definition of jealousy, and I researched the proposed functions of jealousy based on EP studies conducted over the last several decades. I explored how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) intersect the EP perspectives I read. I recognized that compersion was not necessarily difficult for me, but that the initial mixture of fear, anxiety, and “preparation for loss,” that I labeled as “jealousy,” was actually related to my post-trauma responses and was a symptom and expression of my own C-PTSD.
This revelation allowed me to view compersion with a wider lens. I do not believe that compersion is an “either/or” orientation with jealousy on the other side, but rather that compersion is an ongoing practice which can both assist in navigating alternative relationship structures and perspectives and help a person navigate their own inner/trauma healing journey.
So, how does one get from jealousy-flaring, deep trauma response patterns to joyfully compersionate? Well, there is not one set path, nor is there a “finish line,” to inner-growth and -healing, but there is a formula I found to be helpful along the way. First, it starts with understanding jealousy and a specific trauma response called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and how they interact. Only after we can understand or identify what we want to heal can we begin the mending process. That is where coming to view compersion as a practice instead of an emotional orientation becomes imperative.
The Evolutionary Functions of Jealousy:
During my reading I learned that jealousy serves as a survival emotion to maintain security within our important relationships. There is a distinct difference between jealousy and envy: envy tends to motivate a person toward acquiring what they are envious of for themselves. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:
Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are envious that they are enjoying their new relationship because you also want a fun, new romance. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to refine your dating app profiles and spend more time looking for a new lover for yourself.
The focus here is on that which is perceived to be lacking. With jealousy, however, the focus tends to be on the perception of access to a person, object, or idea (such as a relationship dynamic), and the response tends toward taking what is desired away from something or someone else. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:
Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are jealous because you believe they are more interested in the new relationship than in yours. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to change your behavior, change the relationship “rules,” or act in a way which pushes or manipulates your beloved to re-emphasizing your relationship.
See the difference?
I believe that what separates those who seem to be naturally inclined toward compersion from those of us who suffer from the visceral pangs of jealousy comes from a mindset difference, meaning that those who are naturally inclined toward compersion naturally have a different way of integrating the physiological trigger into how they respond.
Using Jealousy Triggers in a Healthy Way
While jealousy can be an undesired feeling, there is a healthy way to use and navigate through jealousy! I find it helpful to remember that our emotions can be used as tools to gain deeper insight into what is going on within us and within our existing relationships. Monitoring one’s jealousy triggers and reactions can be used to gauge unmet needs in oneself and one’s relationship dynamics. When these unmet needs are recognized they can be transparently communicated to a beloved.
In my experience, jealousy tends toward hardship when these unmet needs go unrecognized and uncommunicated. As with the example above, it seems the jealous party in this dynamic has an unmet need for connection or a specific type of affection. They choose to operate out of the survival instinct to “grab on” in a way which they believe will allow their need to become fulfilled. This choice can create resentment and lead to more distance in the relationship, whereas transparently communicating something along the lines of: “I feel like I am missing [unmet need], and I would like to know if we can talk about this,” allows the other person room into the conversation so that both parties can work together to meet each others’ needs in an authentic way.
While Radical Transparency is a simple practice, that does not mean it is inherently easy for everyone. In a world where more people are removed from in-person social interactions, people struggle to learn and cultivate healthy communication practices. This becomes more salient when amplified feelings and survival responses are activated.
Detangling Jealousy from a Trauma-Informed Lens
“Compersion” (concept sketch) (2020)
Consider your own psychosomatic experiences of jealousy. For me, my chest tightens, my heartbeat elevates, my breathing becomes labored. These are all symptoms of my fight/flight/freeze response as well. My physical responses to shifts in social dynamics with beloveds can actually induce a panic attack-like state in me.
Due to my own history of social-based C-PTSD and through my own inner work both as a psychology student and in my personal therapy practice, I learned that I suffer from a condition called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and that this distorts how I view certain moments in my relationships with others. Essentially, this means that I am hyper-sensitive to potential rejection triggers from people around me, and I often times misperceive shifts in my relationship landscapes as rejection.
In my experience, RSD presents itself as a survival strategy which emerges specifically in response due to trauma inflicted by others. I believe that often times emotional responses which are perceived as jealousy are actually moments of RSD activation. I genuinely want my beloveds to feel supported in their explorations of other connections, but I also want to make sure that I will not be abandoned in the process.
This fear and anticipation of abandonment is where my own C-PTSD and RSD intersect.
Using Compersion as a Framework for Self-Regulation
For me, RSD is prevalent in my non-monogamous relationships because of the continued potential rejection triggers that my beloved’s other beloveds can present for me. I notice this tends to be an especially sensitive area within non-hierarchical philosophies like Relationship Anarchy (RA) because of the emphasis on personal freedom, flexible arrangements, and the acknowledgement that change is inevitable.
For me the anxiety and fear of rejection and abandonment stems from a difficulty to navigate these types of changes rather than because of a desire for “exclusivity” or hierarchy with another. I firmly believe in and live by the principles of RA, however, I also recognize that the abuse and maltreatment I have experienced in the past shapes my present-day filters.
A large reason why I practice RA, and why I believe it to be beneficial for people with RSD and other psychosocial trauma filters, is that I am regularly confronted with these fears and triggers. Each time I am faced with a shift in my relationships is an opportunity for me to see where I am in my own healing process, where I need to focus my attention, and also I am able to see how my beloveds continue to show up for me in my process (this informs my own choices in moving forward with various connections).
While straightforward “exposure therapy” does not work for every person, I find that confronting my deepest fears head on helps me see the reality of their size in contrast to how big and scary they seem in my anxiety-ridden fantasies.
Experiencing RSD activation in the face of changing relationship dynamics or introductions of new metamours does not mean a person is inherently oriented toward jealousy, that they are “bad at compersion,” or that they lack the ability to be compersionate. It means that the activated person may have experienced social-based trauma and need trauma-informed navigation for these kinds of adjustments. A little extra practice in Radical Transparency can go a long way in these moments!
When I face these fears and triggers I use these as opportunities to refine my own compersion practice. This does not mean I force myself to feel or react a certain way. Rather than perceiving a trigger as something to avoid, I choose to view these moments as opportunities for deeper self-exploration. I use the idea of compersion as my framework for how I want to guide my self-growth within a moment of activation. I want to be excited for my beloved, I want to celebrate and support shared freedom and autonomy. When I feel out of alignment with my compersion framework, I take the opportunity to lean in with curiosity. It is through these instances that I am able to continuously gauge and assess where I am at in my self-regulation, how I am really doing in my trauma healing process, and discover areas within myself that still need attention and care.
For me, compersion is akin to an aspect of the Buddha-nature: all-loving, and all-accepting. Similarly to the Buddha-nature, compersion is not something I can maintain all the time. Rather than give up or claim that I am “just not wired that way,” I work to remember what being in compersion feels like, and bring myself back to that space with as much patience, grace, and self-compassion as I can.
It is the combination of my intrinsic choice to engage in a growth mindset around my personal healing and the cultivation of safe, trusting, and respectful relationships with beloveds and friends who freely choose to support my process that allows me to participate in RA in this way, and use various moments of change to explore, detangle. and integrate the sources of my own activated responses.
Check out my Guided Meditation for Contacting the Wounded Inner Child to help build healthy inner curiosity & dialogue.
I deeply wish to give those I care for the same liberation which I ask them for, and sometimes my own struggles with RSD present challenges to this genuine desire. I believe many people who suffer from RSD struggle with this same cognitive dissonance, which can become increasingly more difficult if a person is also faced with detangling societal expectations— such as mono-normative relationship structures. There can be so much shame around struggling with non-monogamous relationship structures for many reasons, and especially for people with trauma this sense of shame around intricate navigation can be very tender.
If you, the reader, are someone who struggles with RSD:
A helpful practice can be to name this to your beloved. Often times naming a feeling or experience diffuses its intensity. This can open a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust-building with your beloved, which can result in more compassionate connection and fortifying the healing aspects of your relationship container. Remember that you did not ask to experience RSD, and that your trauma and trauma responses are not your fault. They are, however, your responsibility to work through.
Remember that your beloveds are freely choosing to connect with you because they love and care for you, and they likely want to participate in supporting you along your healing journey however best they can. Radically transparent communication is imperative in times like these, from both ends. You can practice NVC as a structure to use when expressing wants and needs amidst an activated state.
If you, the reader, are someone whose beloved struggles with RSD:
I encourage you to read more about RSD (resources are at the bottom of this article) and become trauma-informed in your speech. Do not pathologize your beloved; educate yourself so that you can deepen your own compassionate communication with them. Trauma survivors struggle to remain balanced when activated, and the non-judgmental help of our beloveds can ease these moments of re-triggering.
Often the most important thing a beloved can do is be patient and accepting of whatever is coming up for the activated individual, not take the response personally, and not make assumptions about the individual’s ideologies or psycho-emotional capacities based on the moment of response. NVC is a great communication tool to use when attempting to communicate authentically with someone who is trauma-activated or when they have come back to a balanced state.
For me, compersion is akin to the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s the ideal which I strive for, and it’s the conclusion I wish all my interactions to end with. Having this goal in mind helps me take steps towards cultivating a deeper practice and greater capacity for its presence, even when I find myself struggling to engage with compersion in a particular moment.
- written by Emily Lichtenberg
Resource List:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Brain Pickings: Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
Psychology Today: What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Psychology Today: How RSD Derails Relationships
WebMD: What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Love is the Action: A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language
Psychology Today: Cultivating Compersion: The Magic of Feeling Joy for Others
Curious Fox: Compersion is a Choice
Jose C. Yong, Norman P. Li: The Adaptive Functions of Jealousy (from “The Function of Emotions”)
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, Baland Jalal: The Evolutionary Psychology of Envy and Jealousy
Guided Practice: Body Scans
This is a guided exercise for releasing tension throughout the body. I find body scans to be extremely helpful in re-centering the mind/body/spirit during Mindfulness practice, and I prefer to begin all of my meditation and journaling exercises with a body scan practice.
This is a guided exercise for releasing tension throughout the body. I find body scans to be extremely helpful in re-centering the mind/body/spirit during Mindfulness practice, and I prefer to begin all of my meditation and journaling exercises with a body scan practice.
The Body Scan
Starting from the top of your head, moving through the face, toward the neck, check for any areas where you are holding tension. A great place to start is the center of the forehead. Release the tension in these areas. A helpful way to do this is to draw the tension in with the in-breath, and let it release on the out-breath. I use counts of 3 or 5 for my breath cycles.
Continue your body scan down your shoulders, your upper and lower arms, and into your hands and fingers. Allow yourself to feel into these parts of your body, seeing how much tension you can gather and release in these parts. See how much space you can create from within these parts of the body.
Continue this practice into your upper and mid-back. Focus on your chest and your navel, and release any tension within these areas. Sometimes taking a few extra moments to sit with a specific area is necessary. Sometimes things awaken when we focus on areas we hold tension. It is okay to allow whatever is alive to be present with you. Welcome it with loving-kindness and a soft heart.
Feel into your lower back and your pelvic region. Notice where your body makes contact with the surface you are sitting on. Feel into this sense of groundedness and allow the tension from these areas to sink into the Earth. Shift your focus to your legs, knees, ankles and feet. Allow yourself to feel into these parts of your body.
Take a moment to sit in the experience of being completely within your body, free of tension and stress. After taking a few moments here, allow yourself to come back to intentional awareness. Now you may continue with your meditation practice, or you may choose to end your practice here for now.
This meditation practice is inspired by the work of Tara Brach. Visit her website for her guided mediations and talks.
— written by Emily Lichtenberg
A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language & Resources
This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.
Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!
This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.
Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!
As of June 25, 2021 this guide is very incomplete and is regularly updated with new terms and refined definitions.
Activated/Activation: being in an intense physical/mental state of trauma response. Also referred to as being “triggered.” These states usually consist of constriction within the body, elevated heart rate and breathing, as well as amplified, tense emotional energy such as stress responses, fear, anger, anxiety and more.
Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT): introduced by Jennifer Freyd in 1994. Betrayal trauma is defined as trauma inflicted upon a person by someone whom they are close with and reliant on for support and survival.
Often discussed in the context of childhood trauma. Survivors of betrayal trauma dissociate from the trauma in order to preserve the relationship with the abuser for survival purposes. This is likely to impact one’s ability to affect a person’s ability to trust or make healthy decisions about the trustworthiness of others as an adult.
C-PTSD: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
C-PTSD differs from standard PTSD in that there are multiple incidents of trauma which morph together to create complex responses. Often it is difficult to differentiate which trauma is activated by a particular trigger, and C-PTSD is harder to diagnose and treat than standard PTSD.
Fawning: a slightly different stress response than Fight/Flight/Freeze that also serves as a reaction to danger. Similar physiological symptoms occur, however, the response is to attempt appeasement.
I chose to put fawning in its own category because this response tends to be learned through socialization and/or traumatic life experiences moreso than Fight/Flight/Freeze (which are more autonomic by nature). While fawning does share similar physiological symptoms to the other three F’s, the development of this behavior is different, and it is the only response which specifically utilizes human’s social nature for its effects.
Fight/Flight/Freeze: a stress response that serves as the body’s natural reaction to danger. All of these share similar physiological symptoms and serve as an active defense response to threats.
Fight: the fight response is when the body’s immediate response to danger is to gear up to fight a threat.
Flight: the flight response is when the body’s immediate response is to run away from a threat
Freeze: the freeze response is when the body’s immediate response is to neither run, nor fight, but remain alertly still and ready to spring into action.
More information on the Fight/Flight/Freeze physiological symptoms and purposes.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): a psychological disorder which can develop after a person experiences a shocking, terrifying, or dangerous event. This disorder is characterized by a person regularly re-experiencing the traumatic event, and this is indicated by an immediate fight/flight/freeze response to a person, place, object, or event which can serve as a “trigger.”
For more information about PTSD signs and symptoms, click here.
Radical Acceptance: The practice of surrendering a desire for control, and a practice of accepting that which we cannot change with a peaceful mind, open heart, and sense of deep compassion.
This term was coined by Tara Brach, and it is an integral part of her work and practice. I have adopted this term into my own personal and professional practice as it beautifully encapsulates what RA is about and the practice often needed to work through serious trauma-induced belief and thought patterns.
Please read Tara’s in-depth article about Radical Acceptance here.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): A relatively new term to describe a condition in which an individual struggles with rejection, criticism, and the fear of rejection to a debilitating point.
Self-Regulation: The process of healthily navigating one’s biopsychosocial ups and downs (“swings”).
Self-regulation consists of various tools and methodologies one uses to handle their internal swings. This blanket term encompasses emotional regulation, psychological (thought pattern) regulation, and somatic regulation.
Somatic Awareness: One’s awareness of how the body responds to mental and/or emotional experiences.
The body carries responses to our mental and emotional experiences, even when we are not aware of it. Somatic awareness is an important concept in trauma-informed practice and discussion as often times traumatized individuals have a disconnect from their body (this includes the nervous system). Re-connecting oneself with the body and developing an understanding of how it responds to mental/emotional strain can help facilitate de-escalation and help refine self-regulation strategies.
Trigger: A topic, behavior, subject or circumstance which acts as a prompt for trauma re-activation.
Triggers are different for every individual based on their experiences. It is important to be aware of our own triggers as well as retain a sense of mindfulness around the triggers our beloveds may have. Due to the stigma that can be associated with this word, I interchange this with “prompt.”
This guide is frequently updated with new terms and refined definitions! If there is a term you do not see on this guide and would like it to be added, or if you have any questions regarding these terms please contact me.