Here is a guide to the many abbreviations and terms that are often found in non-monogamous and polyamorous communities. Many terms in other articles will be hyperlinked here!
Please note that many of these terms are subjective to each person and that these are only my versions of these definitions. You are free (and encouraged) to make your own conclusions on what these terms mean for you, however this list will help you navigate my content!
Ambiamorous: A person who enjoys both monogamous and polyamorous relationship structures.
A person who identifies as ambiamorous may flow between monogamous and non-monogamous relationship structures. This can happen within the same relationship, if both parties are consenting, or may change depending on relationship dyanmics that evolve over time. Generally, a person who is ambiamorous has little to no preference between relationship structures, and they may express feelings for only one partner or many partners at the same time.
Anchor Partner (AP): A common term used to describe a “dominant” relationship in a non-hierarchical way.
For some, a “dominant” partner does not indicate “primary.” The reason for preference or level of closeness to this person can vary. Instead of utilizing hierarchical terminology like “Primary Partner” (see below), this term indicates imagery of a grounding anchor. The person or relationship is a stable and grounding force for the individual, but does not have greater value than other relationships because of this.
Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM): A relationship style which is characterized by the explicit focus on making sure all participating parties are informed and consenting.
Compersion: The experiencing of feeling joy for and supporting the joy of a loved one regardless of our direct involvement in that joy.
In non-monogamous communities this is often discussed as the ideal reaction to a partner’s new partner or potential new partner. Many people practice compersion in their close platonic friendships, though. If you, the reader, take a moment here to reflect on how you react when a close friend shares exciting news that is unrelated to you or your relationship with them. Are you gravitated toward feeling joy for them? If so, then you’re practicing compersion.
Core Partner: (Also see “Anchor Partner”). A non-hierarchical term for a nesting (cohabiting) or life partner.
Some individuals choose to retain a non-hierarchical perspective of their relationships, even when there is enmeshment such as cohabitation or sharing finances. This term can be used for those who adopt the “Relationship Landscape” (see below) perspective of relating. We are our own core, and all our other relationships spiral outward from that core. Sometimes there is someone(s) who are so close to us in our landscape, that their core overlaps with ours. They still have their own spiral(s), but the likelihood of intersection is much greater. This term is similar to Anchor Partner, but provides option for different imagery.
Couple’s Privilege: refers to the advantages that an established couple has within relationsihp dynamics, especially when a new person is introduced to the relationship.
Often discussed and experienced when a new person is introduced to a relationship, whether they are dating one or both members of the existing coupledom. Couple’s privilege tends to be implicit - meaning it is often subconscious and automatic, and it is often normalized. This behavior is often discussed in unicorn hunting or hierarchical relationship dynamics.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT): a practice where partners agree not to ask each other about other partners or share details about their other relationships
Often a feature in parallel poly and more “restrictive” types of non-monogamy (monogamish, swinging, etc.), partners agree not to ask about or share details regarding their other relationships with each other. Details for the DADT agreement are typically discussed at or near the beginning of a relationship.
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): See Consensual Non-Monogamy (above)
Some people prefer to identify with CNM while others prefer ENM. The differences between the two are relatively slim, however not everyone sees them as completely interchangeable. The main difference is the emphasis on the word “consent,” which may differ from “ethical” to a person.
Kitchen Table Poly (KTP): a style of polyamory where ideally everyone and everyone’s partners can peacefully and pleasantly gather around a kitchen table for a cup of tea together
KTP can be considered a more “communal” style of polyamory/non-monogamy, where all involved are part of a community, or at least are welcomed to spend time with one another. Friendships and personal relationships among metas are encouraged by their shared beloved(s). KTP is often thought to be the opposite of “parallel poly.”
Metamour: My beloved’s other partner/beloved(s)
Also referred to as “meta(s).”
Mono-normative/Mono-typical: The “traditional” (cishet) monogamous relationship structure and narrative, including the “Relationship Escalator” (below) and the concept of “sexual ownership.”
Mono-normative is a term used to describe the traditional monogamous relationship structure. Often in ENM there comes the topic of “unlearning.” This usually refers to a person’s process of unlearning the ideals and expectations taught in mono-normative relationship culture as they begin to explore ENM or polyamory. A large part of the unlearning process tends to be focused around the concept of “sexual ownership,” which indicates: “if I am in a sexual relationship with someone, then I have priority and claim over that person in this and other areas of their life.”
Note: This is characteristic of mono-normative beliefs, and not all-encompassing for monogamous people.
NRE (New Relationship Energy): a phenomenon common at the beginning of a new relationship marked by deep infatuation and borderline obsession with a person.
NRE is a term used in the ENM/CNM community to describe the near obsession-like infatuation that can be characteristic of a new relationship. Some people seek NRE in their connections while others avoid it. Often this is discussed in non-monogamous dynamics when there is a long-term dyad and one person makes a new connection outside of the relationship. NRE can affect the person to spend less time with their existing partners or create an idealized fantasy about the new person, and is often a time when a person unafflicted by NRE can practice compersion for their beloved.
Nesting Partner (NP): A live-in partner
This is not always inherently synonymous with primary partner, but often can be. This term solely refers to a beloved with whom a person cohabitates.
Parallel Poly(amory): a style of polyamory where one person’s partners do not meet or interact with each other. The “metas” are considered to run parallel tracks to each other.
Often thought of as the opposite of “KTP,” parallel polyamory tends to discourage metas cultivating or maintaining relationships with each other. People who are partial to parallel poly may prefer to also practice “don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT)” with their partner(s).
Polyamory: A facet of ENM/CNM which consists of an individual or group consistently and actively participating in multiple relationships at one time.
This particular definition is widely subjective and will be different for everyone. My distinction between polyamory and ENM/CNM is that the former focuses on actively pursuing multiple relationships consistently, while ENM/CNM is the umbrella-term for all ethical and consenting non-monogamous relationship structures. An example of this difference is that a person who identifies as ENM may be actively seeing one beloved for an extended period of time with no desire or need to “search” for other connections but is still non-monogamous; a person identifying as polyamorous may have one consistent beloved (a primary or an NP, for example), but tends to actively seek other connections in addition to the existing one.
Polycule: A term used for a group of 3 or more people who are in relationship with each other.
Polyfidelity: a type of relationship where 3 or more people agree to date exclusively within the specific relationship container.
Polyfidelity can be considered the “closed” version of a non-monogamous relationship. A polycule of 3 or more people are agreeing to only engage in romantic or sexual intimacy with others in the polycule. Dating outside of the agreed group is considered a breech of this agreement.
Primary (Partner): the relationship with highest “priority” or longevity in a hierarchical polyamorous dynamic.
Primary partners are typically a person’s longest-lasting dyad relationship within a polyamorous dynamic and is the person who takes “primary” priority in a polyamorous hierarchy. This “rank” could be for a number of different practice, emotional, spiritual or cultural purposes. Often times a primary is someone whose live is deeply intertwined with a person (perhaps they live together, share finances, or co-parent) and thus requires more relational navigation than other relationships. This does not mean a person loves their non-primary partners any more or less.
Solo Polyamory (Solo Poly/SoPo): a branch of polyamory where a person has a lack of desire to intertwine/merge with a beloved and typically have no “primary” partner .
“I am my own primary partner” is another way to phrase the SoPo perspective. Often people who identify as Solo Poly do not wish to live with or share finances with a beloved and are perceived as fiercely independent.
Radical Transparency: the practice of being totally and fully honest with the people in one’s life.
What makes transparency radial? A conviction toward always living in a space of total and complete honesty with oneself and one’s beloveds. Rather than picking-and-choosing information to share, Radical Transparency invites a person to share their full authentic self. Sounds daunting? Try being fully present with a friend, and share openly whatever you’re experiencing in that particular moment. That’s Radical Transparency! (Now, try it in your partnerships!)
Relationship Anarchy (RA): A relating philosophy which focuses on building relationships through shared agreements and authentic co-willing.
See my “What is RA?” page for more!
Relationship Escalator: The concept of building a relationship “upwards” toward certain goals such as co-habitation, marriage, procreation.
Often tied with mono-normative (above) ideals, the Relationship Escalator refers to the process of building a relationship upwards with different “steps.” In traditional, mono-normative culture this may look like: dating first, then dating “exclusively,” then co-habitation and/or joint investment (house, RV, etc.), then engagement & marriage, then procreation. Following the Relationship Escalator is not mutually-exclusive with monogamy (and many ENM or poly people practice/desire a Relationship Escalator partnership), and it is not inherently a good or bad process but rather is a personal choice to each individual.
Relationship Landscape: The concept of all relationships contributing to a person’s vast “landscape.” Thought to be the opposite of the “Relationship Escalator.”
In the Relationship Landscape there is no higher and lower and there are no goal-oriented “steps” to take. This perspective offers a more flexible approach to relationship exploration and the directions of a relationship or series of relationships can vary.
Unicorn Hunting: when a male/female couple seeks a third for their relationship.
Often, the “unicorn” is a femme person. Unicorn hunting is often seen as unethical by many in the non-monogamous community because of the use of couple’s privilege and often exploits the bi- or pansexuality of the third.
Unlearning: A process in transitioning to a non-monogamous lifestyle where a person detangles implicit mono-typical/mono-normative ideas and beliefs around relationships.
There is a phase when adjusting to a non-monogamous lifestyle where a person will likely have to re-examine their implicit biases and beliefs about relationships and relationship structures. This phrase is used to depict the destruction of ownership-based ideologies, the Relationship Escalator, and other mono-typical beliefs as new ideals are integrated into a person’s relational lifestyle changes.
Veto Power: used by couples in primary partnerships. This is when a partner is allowed to forbid or block the other person from a particular connection.
The ethics of veto power are debatable. This falls into the couple’s privilege category because a partner is able to determine the fate of the other’s relationsihp with outside connections. This dynamic is typically only used in primary relationships in a hierarchical polyamorous setting.
This guide is actively updated with new terms and refined definitions. If you do not find a term on here, please send me an email and I will add it to the list!!