A Guided Meditation for Tapping into the Nervous System & Bodily Awareness
In this meditation we will focus on cultivating bodily presence and awareness through sitting in a mindful awareness of our nervous system. Please allow at least 20-30 minutes for best practices.
In this meditation we will focus on cultivating bodily presence and awareness through sitting in a mindful awareness of our nervous system. Please allow at least 20-30 minutes for best practices.
Have a journal, voice recorder, or some way to externalize your reflections close by. Journaling is not necessary for this practice, but it does deepen the work.
Find a comfortable sitting position to begin. Start by slowing down your breathing. On this next in-breath, try to elongate the breath and count to 5 slowly. Pause for a moment before exhaling. On the out-breath, elongate the breath to the same length as the in-breath, using a slow count of 5. Do this 5-7 more times until you find a rhythm.
“Portal to a Mycellial Dimension” (2019)
Keeping the breath in mind, begin to perform a body scan. Starting from the top of your head, moving through the face, toward the neck, check for any areas where you are holding tension. Release the tension in these areas. A helpful way to do this is to draw the tension in with the in-breath, and let it release on the out-breath. Continue your body scan down your shoulders, arms, upper and lower back, pelvic area… all the way down to your toes, releasing any tension you find.
Take a few breaths in this new, relaxed body. When you are ready, starting from the spine, focus your bodily awareness your nervous system. Feel the different branches of this system extending throughout your body, from your spine to your arms, legs, head, gut… everywhere. How does this feel? Do you notice any alertness in any of these branches? Can you feel the electrical current running through the various nerves? Sit, with elongated breaths, in bodily awareness of your nervous system for a few minutes. Take this time to calm any activated parts and hold compassionate awareness for the sensations this brings up.
After a few minutes, begin to extend your awareness outward even more. From the inside of your skin to the outside. Where the outside of the skin meets the air. Allow your body awareness to expand outwardly and encompass the larger space you are in. How does this feel? Are there any walls, and if so, what do they feel like? How far out can you expand your body/space awareness?
Spend about 5-7 minutes in this expanded space of awareness. Observe with mindful compassion any thoughts or sensations that arise and write them down later. When you are ready, begin to recede your expansion, returning back within your body. How does it feel to be back inside of your body? Are there any changes?
Slowly begin bringing yourself back by bringing awareness back to the nervous system, and to your spinal chord. When you are ready, open your eyes and jot down any observations or experiences you had.
— written by Emily Lichtenberg
Compersion as a Practice
Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.
All resources and studies referred to in this piece are located at the bottom of the page!
Compersion is a huge topic amidst Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) and polyamorous communities. I often see this referred to as “the opposite of jealousy,” and I notice that many people I talk to in ENM relationship structures aspire to cultivate this response to a potentially activating situation such as a beloved announcing a new potential love interest. In some of these conversations I notice that people believe one is either oriented toward compersion, or oriented toward jealousy. This can create a breeding ground for a lot of self and/or partner shaming, and the difficulties one can face in the process of learning to practice compersion can turn some people away from ENM altogether.
Due to my deep desire to enjoy my personal emotional landscape, to understand why I struggle in the areas I do, and to attempt to uncover the mysteries of my own struggles with jealousy and compersion, I began diving into my own research and self-exploration of this topic. I studied the Evolutionary Psychology (EP) definition of jealousy, and I researched the proposed functions of jealousy based on EP studies conducted over the last several decades. I explored how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Complex-Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) intersect the EP perspectives I read. I recognized that compersion was not necessarily difficult for me, but that the initial mixture of fear, anxiety, and “preparation for loss,” that I labeled as “jealousy,” was actually related to my post-trauma responses and was a symptom and expression of my own C-PTSD.
This revelation allowed me to view compersion with a wider lens. I do not believe that compersion is an “either/or” orientation with jealousy on the other side, but rather that compersion is an ongoing practice which can both assist in navigating alternative relationship structures and perspectives and help a person navigate their own inner/trauma healing journey.
So, how does one get from jealousy-flaring, deep trauma response patterns to joyfully compersionate? Well, there is not one set path, nor is there a “finish line,” to inner-growth and -healing, but there is a formula I found to be helpful along the way. First, it starts with understanding jealousy and a specific trauma response called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and how they interact. Only after we can understand or identify what we want to heal can we begin the mending process. That is where coming to view compersion as a practice instead of an emotional orientation becomes imperative.
The Evolutionary Functions of Jealousy:
During my reading I learned that jealousy serves as a survival emotion to maintain security within our important relationships. There is a distinct difference between jealousy and envy: envy tends to motivate a person toward acquiring what they are envious of for themselves. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:
Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are envious that they are enjoying their new relationship because you also want a fun, new romance. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to refine your dating app profiles and spend more time looking for a new lover for yourself.
The focus here is on that which is perceived to be lacking. With jealousy, however, the focus tends to be on the perception of access to a person, object, or idea (such as a relationship dynamic), and the response tends toward taking what is desired away from something or someone else. An example of this in a non-monogamous relationship could be:
Your beloved tells you about the amazing time they had with their new love interest. You are jealous because you believe they are more interested in the new relationship than in yours. The emotional response to this conversation inspires you to change your behavior, change the relationship “rules,” or act in a way which pushes or manipulates your beloved to re-emphasizing your relationship.
See the difference?
I believe that what separates those who seem to be naturally inclined toward compersion from those of us who suffer from the visceral pangs of jealousy comes from a mindset difference, meaning that those who are naturally inclined toward compersion naturally have a different way of integrating the physiological trigger into how they respond.
Using Jealousy Triggers in a Healthy Way
While jealousy can be an undesired feeling, there is a healthy way to use and navigate through jealousy! I find it helpful to remember that our emotions can be used as tools to gain deeper insight into what is going on within us and within our existing relationships. Monitoring one’s jealousy triggers and reactions can be used to gauge unmet needs in oneself and one’s relationship dynamics. When these unmet needs are recognized they can be transparently communicated to a beloved.
In my experience, jealousy tends toward hardship when these unmet needs go unrecognized and uncommunicated. As with the example above, it seems the jealous party in this dynamic has an unmet need for connection or a specific type of affection. They choose to operate out of the survival instinct to “grab on” in a way which they believe will allow their need to become fulfilled. This choice can create resentment and lead to more distance in the relationship, whereas transparently communicating something along the lines of: “I feel like I am missing [unmet need], and I would like to know if we can talk about this,” allows the other person room into the conversation so that both parties can work together to meet each others’ needs in an authentic way.
While Radical Transparency is a simple practice, that does not mean it is inherently easy for everyone. In a world where more people are removed from in-person social interactions, people struggle to learn and cultivate healthy communication practices. This becomes more salient when amplified feelings and survival responses are activated.
Detangling Jealousy from a Trauma-Informed Lens
“Compersion” (concept sketch) (2020)
Consider your own psychosomatic experiences of jealousy. For me, my chest tightens, my heartbeat elevates, my breathing becomes labored. These are all symptoms of my fight/flight/freeze response as well. My physical responses to shifts in social dynamics with beloveds can actually induce a panic attack-like state in me.
Due to my own history of social-based C-PTSD and through my own inner work both as a psychology student and in my personal therapy practice, I learned that I suffer from a condition called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and that this distorts how I view certain moments in my relationships with others. Essentially, this means that I am hyper-sensitive to potential rejection triggers from people around me, and I often times misperceive shifts in my relationship landscapes as rejection.
In my experience, RSD presents itself as a survival strategy which emerges specifically in response due to trauma inflicted by others. I believe that often times emotional responses which are perceived as jealousy are actually moments of RSD activation. I genuinely want my beloveds to feel supported in their explorations of other connections, but I also want to make sure that I will not be abandoned in the process.
This fear and anticipation of abandonment is where my own C-PTSD and RSD intersect.
Using Compersion as a Framework for Self-Regulation
For me, RSD is prevalent in my non-monogamous relationships because of the continued potential rejection triggers that my beloved’s other beloveds can present for me. I notice this tends to be an especially sensitive area within non-hierarchical philosophies like Relationship Anarchy (RA) because of the emphasis on personal freedom, flexible arrangements, and the acknowledgement that change is inevitable.
For me the anxiety and fear of rejection and abandonment stems from a difficulty to navigate these types of changes rather than because of a desire for “exclusivity” or hierarchy with another. I firmly believe in and live by the principles of RA, however, I also recognize that the abuse and maltreatment I have experienced in the past shapes my present-day filters.
A large reason why I practice RA, and why I believe it to be beneficial for people with RSD and other psychosocial trauma filters, is that I am regularly confronted with these fears and triggers. Each time I am faced with a shift in my relationships is an opportunity for me to see where I am in my own healing process, where I need to focus my attention, and also I am able to see how my beloveds continue to show up for me in my process (this informs my own choices in moving forward with various connections).
While straightforward “exposure therapy” does not work for every person, I find that confronting my deepest fears head on helps me see the reality of their size in contrast to how big and scary they seem in my anxiety-ridden fantasies.
Experiencing RSD activation in the face of changing relationship dynamics or introductions of new metamours does not mean a person is inherently oriented toward jealousy, that they are “bad at compersion,” or that they lack the ability to be compersionate. It means that the activated person may have experienced social-based trauma and need trauma-informed navigation for these kinds of adjustments. A little extra practice in Radical Transparency can go a long way in these moments!
When I face these fears and triggers I use these as opportunities to refine my own compersion practice. This does not mean I force myself to feel or react a certain way. Rather than perceiving a trigger as something to avoid, I choose to view these moments as opportunities for deeper self-exploration. I use the idea of compersion as my framework for how I want to guide my self-growth within a moment of activation. I want to be excited for my beloved, I want to celebrate and support shared freedom and autonomy. When I feel out of alignment with my compersion framework, I take the opportunity to lean in with curiosity. It is through these instances that I am able to continuously gauge and assess where I am at in my self-regulation, how I am really doing in my trauma healing process, and discover areas within myself that still need attention and care.
For me, compersion is akin to an aspect of the Buddha-nature: all-loving, and all-accepting. Similarly to the Buddha-nature, compersion is not something I can maintain all the time. Rather than give up or claim that I am “just not wired that way,” I work to remember what being in compersion feels like, and bring myself back to that space with as much patience, grace, and self-compassion as I can.
It is the combination of my intrinsic choice to engage in a growth mindset around my personal healing and the cultivation of safe, trusting, and respectful relationships with beloveds and friends who freely choose to support my process that allows me to participate in RA in this way, and use various moments of change to explore, detangle. and integrate the sources of my own activated responses.
Check out my Guided Meditation for Contacting the Wounded Inner Child to help build healthy inner curiosity & dialogue.
I deeply wish to give those I care for the same liberation which I ask them for, and sometimes my own struggles with RSD present challenges to this genuine desire. I believe many people who suffer from RSD struggle with this same cognitive dissonance, which can become increasingly more difficult if a person is also faced with detangling societal expectations— such as mono-normative relationship structures. There can be so much shame around struggling with non-monogamous relationship structures for many reasons, and especially for people with trauma this sense of shame around intricate navigation can be very tender.
If you, the reader, are someone who struggles with RSD:
A helpful practice can be to name this to your beloved. Often times naming a feeling or experience diffuses its intensity. This can open a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust-building with your beloved, which can result in more compassionate connection and fortifying the healing aspects of your relationship container. Remember that you did not ask to experience RSD, and that your trauma and trauma responses are not your fault. They are, however, your responsibility to work through.
Remember that your beloveds are freely choosing to connect with you because they love and care for you, and they likely want to participate in supporting you along your healing journey however best they can. Radically transparent communication is imperative in times like these, from both ends. You can practice NVC as a structure to use when expressing wants and needs amidst an activated state.
If you, the reader, are someone whose beloved struggles with RSD:
I encourage you to read more about RSD (resources are at the bottom of this article) and become trauma-informed in your speech. Do not pathologize your beloved; educate yourself so that you can deepen your own compassionate communication with them. Trauma survivors struggle to remain balanced when activated, and the non-judgmental help of our beloveds can ease these moments of re-triggering.
Often the most important thing a beloved can do is be patient and accepting of whatever is coming up for the activated individual, not take the response personally, and not make assumptions about the individual’s ideologies or psycho-emotional capacities based on the moment of response. NVC is a great communication tool to use when attempting to communicate authentically with someone who is trauma-activated or when they have come back to a balanced state.
For me, compersion is akin to the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s the ideal which I strive for, and it’s the conclusion I wish all my interactions to end with. Having this goal in mind helps me take steps towards cultivating a deeper practice and greater capacity for its presence, even when I find myself struggling to engage with compersion in a particular moment.
- written by Emily Lichtenberg
Resource List:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Brain Pickings: Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
Psychology Today: What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Psychology Today: How RSD Derails Relationships
WebMD: What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Love is the Action: A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language
Psychology Today: Cultivating Compersion: The Magic of Feeling Joy for Others
Curious Fox: Compersion is a Choice
Jose C. Yong, Norman P. Li: The Adaptive Functions of Jealousy (from “The Function of Emotions”)
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran, Baland Jalal: The Evolutionary Psychology of Envy and Jealousy
A Guide to Trauma-Informed Language & Resources
This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.
Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!
This is a guide to various terms I use in my trauma-informed pieces.
Please note that these are my definitions for these terms, and I encourage you to discover what terms and definitions work best for you. This guide is here to help you navigate my content more effectively, and you are also welcome to integrate any of these terms and definitions into your own language and practice if they resonate!
As of June 25, 2021 this guide is very incomplete and is regularly updated with new terms and refined definitions.
Activated/Activation: being in an intense physical/mental state of trauma response. Also referred to as being “triggered.” These states usually consist of constriction within the body, elevated heart rate and breathing, as well as amplified, tense emotional energy such as stress responses, fear, anger, anxiety and more.
Betrayal Trauma Theory (BTT): introduced by Jennifer Freyd in 1994. Betrayal trauma is defined as trauma inflicted upon a person by someone whom they are close with and reliant on for support and survival.
Often discussed in the context of childhood trauma. Survivors of betrayal trauma dissociate from the trauma in order to preserve the relationship with the abuser for survival purposes. This is likely to impact one’s ability to affect a person’s ability to trust or make healthy decisions about the trustworthiness of others as an adult.
C-PTSD: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
C-PTSD differs from standard PTSD in that there are multiple incidents of trauma which morph together to create complex responses. Often it is difficult to differentiate which trauma is activated by a particular trigger, and C-PTSD is harder to diagnose and treat than standard PTSD.
Fawning: a slightly different stress response than Fight/Flight/Freeze that also serves as a reaction to danger. Similar physiological symptoms occur, however, the response is to attempt appeasement.
I chose to put fawning in its own category because this response tends to be learned through socialization and/or traumatic life experiences moreso than Fight/Flight/Freeze (which are more autonomic by nature). While fawning does share similar physiological symptoms to the other three F’s, the development of this behavior is different, and it is the only response which specifically utilizes human’s social nature for its effects.
Fight/Flight/Freeze: a stress response that serves as the body’s natural reaction to danger. All of these share similar physiological symptoms and serve as an active defense response to threats.
Fight: the fight response is when the body’s immediate response to danger is to gear up to fight a threat.
Flight: the flight response is when the body’s immediate response is to run away from a threat
Freeze: the freeze response is when the body’s immediate response is to neither run, nor fight, but remain alertly still and ready to spring into action.
More information on the Fight/Flight/Freeze physiological symptoms and purposes.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): a psychological disorder which can develop after a person experiences a shocking, terrifying, or dangerous event. This disorder is characterized by a person regularly re-experiencing the traumatic event, and this is indicated by an immediate fight/flight/freeze response to a person, place, object, or event which can serve as a “trigger.”
For more information about PTSD signs and symptoms, click here.
Radical Acceptance: The practice of surrendering a desire for control, and a practice of accepting that which we cannot change with a peaceful mind, open heart, and sense of deep compassion.
This term was coined by Tara Brach, and it is an integral part of her work and practice. I have adopted this term into my own personal and professional practice as it beautifully encapsulates what RA is about and the practice often needed to work through serious trauma-induced belief and thought patterns.
Please read Tara’s in-depth article about Radical Acceptance here.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): A relatively new term to describe a condition in which an individual struggles with rejection, criticism, and the fear of rejection to a debilitating point.
Self-Regulation: The process of healthily navigating one’s biopsychosocial ups and downs (“swings”).
Self-regulation consists of various tools and methodologies one uses to handle their internal swings. This blanket term encompasses emotional regulation, psychological (thought pattern) regulation, and somatic regulation.
Somatic Awareness: One’s awareness of how the body responds to mental and/or emotional experiences.
The body carries responses to our mental and emotional experiences, even when we are not aware of it. Somatic awareness is an important concept in trauma-informed practice and discussion as often times traumatized individuals have a disconnect from their body (this includes the nervous system). Re-connecting oneself with the body and developing an understanding of how it responds to mental/emotional strain can help facilitate de-escalation and help refine self-regulation strategies.
Trigger: A topic, behavior, subject or circumstance which acts as a prompt for trauma re-activation.
Triggers are different for every individual based on their experiences. It is important to be aware of our own triggers as well as retain a sense of mindfulness around the triggers our beloveds may have. Due to the stigma that can be associated with this word, I interchange this with “prompt.”
This guide is frequently updated with new terms and refined definitions! If there is a term you do not see on this guide and would like it to be added, or if you have any questions regarding these terms please contact me.