“Don’t Forget Me After the Sun Sets” (2018)

What is Relationship Anarchy?

Relationship Anarchy (RA) is a social movement that was started by Andie Nordgren in 2006. You can find the their official “Relationship Anarchy Manifesto” by clicking here.

RA is a relating philosophy that applies to any and all relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, personal or professional. RA emphasizes building relationships based on radical transparency, mutual respect for autonomy, and authentic co-willing to create flexible agreements based on individual needs and wants instead of creating relationship structures with strict rules and expectations. As people grow and change, their wants and needs will also change. RA provides a flexible framework for navigating relationship development with this in mind. — Emily’s definition

Click here for my Beginner’s Guide to Non-Monogamy Terms & Abbreviations

Radical Transparency as the Basis of Communication

Before jumping into creating agreements and customizing our relationships, the first step is to understand how we can do this in a healthy and effective way! This is where the concept of Radical Transparency comes into play.

Radical Transparency can be described as the dedication to authentic and transparent communication with all beings at all times. This is not the same as over-sharing or having loose boundaries. It means that when we practice Radical Transparency, we are letting others know what is alive for us in the moment, what our intentions are in different relationship dynamics (and when those intentions change), and we are allowing the others to make an educated decision on how they would like to interact with us in a particular moment.

Radical Transparency is not about how much you share, but about how authentic the information you share is. The idea here is that in order for a person to make an authentic and informed decision about a relationship/agreement, they need transparency. Radical Transparency is both an authentic relating practice and an act of respecting another’s autonomy through providing them with the full information regarding an intention or situation.

Emphasizing Flexible Agreements over Rigid Expectations

The only constant in this world is change! RA fully embodies this knowing through its emphasis on flexible agreements in relationships. People grow and change so often throughout their lives (just think of who you were 5 or 10 years ago!), and with changing personalities comes changes in relationship dynamics.

Relationship agreements can be customized to each individual container, and each container will need room and flexibility as both people evolve and expand. Just as our beloved Earth or the Soul, relationships go through seasons. Allowing space and compassion for these ebbs and flows creates more intimacy and trust than any act of forcefulness.

RA encourages us not to define our worth by the way society believes our relationships “should” look, but to see our worth as separate from the shifts that happen in our relationship landscapes. Loving-kindness and flexibility offers us the opportunity to recognize all our relationships as successes, regardless of whether they are active or long-term.

The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord shown here is a useful tool in getting started with these kinds of conversations. Print one out and take some time looking it over with yourself or with a beloved and see what happens!

All Relationships are Unique Unto Themselves

No two relationships are compared with each other. RA promotes acknowledging that all relationships are unique unto themselves and can hold equal value.

One of the most beautiful aspects of RA is that this relating philosophy seeks to detangle the belief that sexual and/or romantic relationships must take priority over friendships, family, and other types of connections. People are encouraged to illustrate a more inclusive relationship landscape rather than climb a confined relationship escalator with the beloveds in one’s life.

Allowing space to recognize the importance and beauty in each separate relationship container provides opportunities to create deeper bonds and explore new ways of appreciating the people in our lives.

RA can be applied to any relationship structure, whether it be polyamorous, monogamous, non-sexual, non-romantic, etc. Rather than favoring a structure, RA can be a series of values and ideals for folks to create a personal relationship philosophy from. The important part is acknowledging the value structure and relationship building practices that RA focuses on.

It Starts from Within

I believe that the absolute core of RA is in how we interact with and develop our relationship with ourselves. This is true regardless of what form your relationships take, and this truth does not change across sexual orientations or gender identities. How can we, as sovereign beings, show up in an intentional relationship container with another sovereign being if we do not know how to honor our own boundaries, foster our own autonomy, and decipher/communicate our wants and needs to ourselves first? The truth is that we cannot fully show up for others until we fully show up for ourselves.

Adopting the RA philosophy can radically transform a person’s relationship landscape, help cultivate deeper and more liberated bonds, and provide a person with opportunities to dive deeper into their own inner-work journey. These benefits are only possible with a person’s genuine willingness to engage in the practices. Like all inner-work, cultivating a healthy RA lifestyle starts with cultivating a healthy internal practice.

Holding ourselves accountable to our own process and our own work with kindness and compassion creates building blocks to de-construct co-dependent behaviors. Understanding that our inner journey is a deep and solitary one nurtures the ability to see others as deep, multi-layered people with their own solitary journeys, and this can provide a foundation for healthy relationships based in a secure attachment style.

how did I grow into relationship anarchy?

You can read My RA Story to learn how I discovered and began to embody an RA mindset and lifestyle. By sharing my story and writing from a first-person lens, I hope to provide others with resonant literature and helpful information on a topic that is still not widely-resourced.