finding relationship anarchy

I discovered Relationship Anarchy (RA) after a very painful ending to a monogamous-style relationship in 2018. I chose to take several months abstaining from romantic and sexual-types of intimacy and began exploring the depths of my inner world. A friend going through a similar experience mentioned their interest in RA (a new concept for them as well), and we decided to begin exploring consensually non-monogamous (CNM) RA with each other.

For me, diving into RA was life-changing. I suddenly felt the freedom to authentically explore connection with my beloved(s) and others whom I encountered. To me, RA resembled a series of values and ideals which I aligned with, and provided me a guidepost for how to embody them. I spent the next few years exploring various styles of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy with an RA lens. These experiences helped me develop a practice of radical transparency with myself first, and then with others. This is an ongoing process, with new layers and lessons in each season.

Healing harmful relational patterns

Through my journey of building connections with authentic communication, radical transparency & acceptance, and honoring my and others’ autonomy, I’ve learned how to know, honor, and set my boundaries, navigate difficult conversations from a loving and compassionate place, and accept endings when they came. By starting my RA journey with solo polyamory, moving through various forms of non-hierarchical polyamory, and CNM, I was able to deconstruct patterns of codependency, experience differentiation from partners, and learn more about my wants, needs, and boundaries in relationships.

Moving beyond self-imposed expectations about relationship anarchy

At some point in my journey I started to notice recurring themes in relational ruptures. For me, these themes centered on my growing need for simplicity and stability in my life. After almost 6 years of building conscious relationships through CNM structures, I started to realize that my inner work was taking a different turn than I had hoped or expected. This forced me to sit with my internalized assumptions about RA, CNM/polyamory, and myself. As I pulled back layers, I found that I was holding onto self-imposed expectations around how I needed to show up in relationships and what structures would facilitate the inner work I was “supposed” to be doing. I realized that this form of self-guidance was out of alignment with my RA values and beliefs of radical transparency, autonomy, and acceptance of change.

For me, RA has always been about deconstructing my (and society’s) assumptions and expectations for any relationship style or structure. The focus has always been about learning to develop healthy, mutually-supportive, and deeply intentional relationships of any kind. The point has never been to “become fine with anything” in my relationships, or to accept levels of change that feel harmfully disruptive, but to authentically share who I am in the moment, see my partner(s) for who they are in the moment, and create mutual agreements from this place.

My journey, today

I set out on this path with the intention not to let one relational style rule me, and to always let my inner truth guide my choices. I spent the last 6 years learning about myself and building RA practices through CNM/polyamorous structures. As I begin a new phase of inner healing work focused on building trust, deeper intimacy, and experiencing/cultivating stability, I have chosen to explore new relational structures. While I wholeheartedly believe in several of the values in polyamory and do not agree with the values of mainstream monogamy, I also recognize that my own capacity and work is not compatible with polyamorous/CNM relational structures.

In this next phase of my relational journey, I hope to find and create new ways of defining intimacy and connection with conscious monogamy and intentional platonic intimacy. A key component to the RA value system is that sexual/romantic relationships do not need to take precedent over platonic relationships. I see myself and others still operate under this assumption in both polyamorous and conventional monogamous relationships. I feel lucky to have a partner who values their intimate-platonic friendships as much as I do. It is my hope that through this journey, we can co-learn and co-explore ways of bringing RA values into a monogamous dynamic and into all of our friendships.

My personal journey with RA is ever-evolving. I am always learning more about the nuances of my own relating style as I break down my own internalized messages from culture. None of these structures are permanent, and there is always room for change. Just as I needed to let go of monogamy to learn lessons from CNM, now I need to let go of CNM to learn lessons from conscious monogamy. There may be a day when this changes again, and hopefully I will be able to sit with and recognize it sooner that time than this time.

The work is never truly finished, but it is an ever-expanding process. We are always in process.

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Sincerely,

Emily